


What Lurks Below

by upsgirl88



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst, Braime - Freeform, Eventual Smut, F/M, Love, Post Series, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-03-17 13:58:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 25,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18966640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/upsgirl88/pseuds/upsgirl88
Summary: The Red Keep holds many mysteries.  While surveying the damage down below Brienne stumbles upon a HUGE secret that could change so much.  But there is one person who sees all... and he knows that everything is going according to plan.(This is dedicated to those who truly believed Jaime survived the tunnel collapse)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a post series fic, but it's not perfectly canon because I ignored the fact that Tyrion was able to find Jaime and Cersei's bodies. In this fic the characters assumed J and C are dead because Tyrion knew they didn't escape. (This will make more sense when you read). 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy the first chapter. (Don't worry, now that i have my mojo back I'm going to finish Roadblock and I'll eventually get back to Yours is the Sun and finish it up too.) I just really needed to do this post series idea and join the other writers in trying to fix the mess. If you stick with me the eventual goal is to end up where those recent tidbits from GRRM said Braime were supposed to end up, along with who was mentioned as King and hand :) 
> 
> Should be a fun ride!

Brienne was carefully wandering through the rubble somewhere deep below the Red Keep. She had been taking some time every day to explore the damage and make note of the areas she thought they should repair first. There was so much to be done and it was taking a tremendous amount of time, even with all hands on deck. It had already been several weeks since the destruction occurred and close to a month since the very first meeting of the newly appointed Small Council. They all had different agendas and wasted more time arguing than she would have liked, but slowly things were finally starting to come along. 

She surveyed the area and continued on. The first few times she’d gone exploring she found herself looking around wondering where exactly Jaime had died. She knew Tyrion had found his Golden Hand and she also knew that Tyrion had arranged a way for Jaime and Cersei to escape. He didn’t give any details other than the fact he was certain they were dead. Somewhere under the rubble their bodies were crushed. Brienne worried one day she might stumble upon that exact location and somehow, someway she would just know. But that never happened and she certainly didn’t plan on being around when the workers actually started to clear the rocks away. 

That afternoon Brienne wandered much further than she had before, down a set of partially hidden steps she hadn’t even noticed. Intrigued she went even further down, thankful for the torch she’d brought with her. One of the first times she’d gone searching it had started to get dark and she had a hard time finding her way back out. She wasn’t about to let that happen again. 

At the bottom of the twisty, dangerous steps she found herself in a narrow hallway. Curiosity drove her further and she walked slowly, listening for any strange sounds, but heard nothing. Eventually the hallway opened up wider and she found herself in an atrium of sorts, with a low ceiling. She heard a skittering noise and quietly gasped, swinging her torch in the direction of the sound just in time to see a cat fly by and disappear into the darkness. It was creepy, but she’d been in much more terrifying circumstances. 

Brienne took a deep breath and kept walking. She knew she really should have turned back. This area didn’t seem to have any damage at all, so there was nothing to repair, but something spurred her on. She wondered how many other secret stairways and passages there were in the Castle that no one knew about. 

Suddenly she felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. Someone was there, she could sense a presence close by. Brienne took a few more steps forward and noticed there was a doorless room off to her right. She held her torch out and it lit up the small room. Her heart started to pound harder in her chest. It was clear someone was living in that little room. There was a bed in the corner, some clothes on the floor and a crate with food scraps sitting on top. 

She moved the torch to her other hand and quietly withdrew the dagger she carried, just in case. Brienne took three steps forward so she was fully inside the room and then looked around again. The food on the makeshift table wasn’t much, but it also wasn’t rotten - which meant someone had been there, very recently. Could they be returning soon? She wondered. Or perhaps they would see her torch light and stay away until she left. Brienne knew if she put the torch out there was a very good chance she would end up lost, stranded down there with whoever was living in the room. It wasn’t worth the risk. 

I should go, she told herself, but she couldn’t risk taking one more peek around the room. As she approached the clothing she couldn’t believe what she was seeing. “It can’t be,” Brienne whispered, moving the torch closer. Her chest hurt from how hard her heart was pounding. If she didn’t know better she would have swore she was looking at the leather jerkin that Jaime was wearing the last time she saw him. “It can’t be,” she repeated again. 

This time her words were answered, “It is.” 

This time her gasp was loud as she spun around. She recognized the voice immediately. She would never forget the sound of his voice. Brienne’s hand was trembling holding the torch. “J-Jaime,” she stammered. “No…” Brienne shook her head. “It can’t be,” she said for the third time. “You… you’re dead.” 

Clearly he was not dead. He was standing right there in front of her in ragged and dirty clothes. His hair was quite long and matted, his face covered with a full beard. She knew he’d lost the golden hand and she could just see the stump protruding from his right sleeve. “Unfortunately not,” he replied with an apologetic shrug. 

The emotions she was feeling were overwhelming. For a moment she almost forgot the way he’d left her at Winterfell. She almost forgot how badly he’d hurt her. She almost forgot the ache he’d left inside her… almost. She almost ran to him. But she didn’t. “How? How are you here?” She had so many questions but decided that was enough to start. 

“Brienne… Ser Brienne,” he corrected himself to address her formally. “Just pretend you never saw me and go. Forget we even spoke and continue on as if I’m dead.” There was something different about him and she picked up on it instantly. He seemed… broken. Devastated. Like a shell. “Ser Jaime Lannister died with the Queen. He’s gone and he’s never coming back.” 

She risked a step forward and he allowed it. “You’re here. You’re alive - how can I just forget that? Pretend it never happened?” Brienne was finding it harder to breathe being just that much closer to him. Despite everything that had happened part of her still loved him and always would. “How did you survive? Can you at least tell me that?” 

Jaime scratched his beard. “I don’t know exactly,” he spoke, his voice soft. “I was with Cersei when the tunnel started to collapse. I knew it was over and I couldn’t save her…” He paused and Brienne realized her eyes were welling up with tears. All this time she’d struggled with how Jaime had left her for Cersei, just like that, just when things felt so good between the two of them. She’d made excuses, she’d blamed herself, she’d come up with every possible scenario she could think of, but at the end of it all she’d decided that Cersei just had a hold on him that no one could break. Jaime’s honour and his love for his family, his sister, had been more than she could compete with. It had taken weeks, with a set back now and again as she heard about his death and on random long, lonely nights, but finally she had put it behind her and moved on. Now here he was standing before her - still alive… physically at least. 

Brienne swallowed at the lump in her throat. “Go on.” 

“I always knew she was going to die. Even when Tyrion gave us some hope, I just knew. I… I couldn’t let her die alone…” He looked down at the floor and Brienne was pretty sure his face flushed with embarrassment. “I’m sorry,” he added, his voice barely a whisper. Brienne felt hot all over her body. She didn’t know how to respond or how to feel. Confusion swallowed her whole. Thankfully he continued, giving her a distraction. “Anyway, I was there with her and the rocks started to hit us… then somehow I found myself pulling away from her, running, diving to a safe spot while she was completely buried with rock…” The guilt on his face was painful to look at. “I don’t know how it happened… it’s like I wasn’t myself for a second and once I snapped out of it, it was too late. She was dead, crushed, and I was safe, other than some scrapes and bruises.” 

Brienne wasn’t sure what to make of that. Had his subconscious survival instinct have kicked in somehow? “I… I don’t understand,” she muttered. 

“I don’t either. I planned to die… and I didn’t die,” he replied. “I’ve had a lot of time down here to think and I’ve decided the Gods are punishing me.” 

Brienne knew Jaime didn’t really believe in any Gods, but perhaps a near death experience had changed him. “Why would the Gods be punishing you by letting you live?” she asked, unsure of what he was getting at. 

Jaime gave her a look. “You know all the things I’ve done,” he sighed. “I told you when I left… I’m…” 

“Stop,” Brienne snapped, cutting him off. “I know you’re not. I know you said those things to hurt me so I would hate you and forget about you.” She watched his face and caught a brief flicker of surprise before he quickly masked it. “Jaime, I know you,” she said with a sigh. Brienne wasn’t sure she could forgive him for what he’d done to her, but she also never doubted that he was a good man. He wanted her to hate him but she never truly could. 

“The man you knew is gone,” he said, looking quite pathetic. 

Brienne wasn’t sure how to react so she decided to ignore his comment for the time being. “Come on, you’re coming with me,” she said, starting towards the door. 

“I’m not. I’m staying here,” he replied stubbornly. It was the most genuine emotion he’d expressed to that point, so she took it as a step in the right direction. “Please don’t tell anyone I’m here, please… I’m begging you.” His eyes… the look of desperation she saw was jarring. 

“O... okay,” she stammered, feeling the shock of the situation hit her again. She was standing there, likely somewhere under her very own room, talking to Jaime. Jaime, who she thought was dead. Jaime, who had shoved a knife through her heart. Jaime… who she still loved as much as she always had. “What about food? Where are you getting food? You must be starving.” 

He shook his head. “You all waste so much food. I’ve been surviving off the leftovers that get thrown out and I haven’t been hungry one day since the cats led me to them.” Jaime licked at his lips, “Clean water is a bit harder to come by though, except when it rains.” He was silent for a moment and Brienne stayed quiet. “Brienne, please… just go and forget about me. I’m fine. You don’t need to worry. You shouldn’t worry about me ever again.” 

“You’re not fine,” she whispered, biting back the tears that wanted to come. The struggle she was feeling was so unexpected. Before she knew Jaime was dead there were time she imagined what they would say to each other if they ever came face to face again. But Brienne could honestly say this wasn’t even close to any of the scenarios she’d come up with. She didn’t want to hit him - that was usually the first instinct she felt. She didn’t even want to yell at him and tell him how much he’d hurt her. She didn’t want to make him feel guilty or embarrassed. Brienne wanted none of those things because whatever punishment he’d inflicted upon himself was far worse than anything she could do to him. 

The only problem was that she didn’t understand it. Was it because of her? Or was it all because of Cersei? Did she even want to know? Brienne wasn’t sure. The only thing she was sure of was that she couldn’t abandon him, no matter how hard he tried to push her away. She knew if she pushed back too hard he could relocate and she may never be able to find him again. She had to be careful of that. 

Brienne took another step closer to him and with a shaky hand she reached out and moved away a strand of dirty hair that had fallen over his eye. “You’re not fine,” she repeated. “Let me help you.” The urge to touch his face was strong, but she fought it off. 

They looked at each other and for a moment she was sure the real Jaime was looking back at her. Not the one who left her and ripped her heart out but the one who saved her life… the one that knighted her… the one that made love to her so sweetly. “You stink,” she said honestly, offering a tiny smile. 

“Apologies my Lady,” he replied. “There isn’t much in the way of a bath down here.” 

“Come to my room, tonight,” she blurted out impulsively. Though it was initially a knee jerk reaction, once she realized what she was offering she was already formulating a plan. “I’ll have a bath ready for you. I’ll scrounge up clean clothes and fresh water.” Jaime’s face was already telling her he was going to decline. “Please, just come. No one wanted the Hand’s quarters, so that’s where I am. You know where that is. You can shave and I’ll help trim your hair.” 

“It’s too dangerous,” he said, shaking his head. “If any of the guards see me…” 

“I’ll make sure there are no guards on the way to my room There’s only one and I’ll tell him I can’t sleep so I’ll take his watch for a few hours.” She pleaded with her eyes. Brienne honestly didn’t know why she needed this so much, but she desperately wanted Jaime to agree. 

“Brienne...go,” he sighed. It was as if he didn’t even have the energy to get angry with her. 

She hated herself for what was about to come out of her mouth, but she was already saying it before she could stop herself. “If I ever meant anything to you… anything at all… you’ll come to my room tonight.” Her words hit him hard, she could tell. She didn’t even know how to respond to that. Should she be happy her manipulative tactic might work or should she take satisfaction in the way she affected him or should she feel like a complete ass for playing with his emotions when he was such a mess? 

Brienne decided it didn’t matter. She gave him one last look and ducked out of the room, praying as she scampered away that it wouldn’t be the last time she saw Jaime Lannister.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought given the pic Gwen posted today that we needed a little Podrick to start this chapter:) Thank you for reading the first chapter and if you're back for more - THANK YOU so much! I hope you enjoy this installment. Angst is not my strong suit, so I really hope this has the desired affect and you can feel the struggle of emotions! xoxo B

Brienne was lost in thought and didn’t even hear Podrick speaking to her. “Lady Commander? Ser Brienne? Brienne?” 

“Huh? Oh Ser Podrick, sorry,” she muttered. “What did you need?” 

Pod gave her a strange look. “I was just asking how the damage looked down there today? Have you decided where you’re going to recommend they start repairs?”

Fuck, she thought. Brienne had completely forgot she was supposed to make recommendations to the Small Council the next afternoon. “I need a little more time,” she replied. 

“But you’ve been checking things out down there for weeks,” Pod said, giving her that same strange look. Sometimes he knew her too well and it was damn irritating. 

“Yes,” she snapped. “And I said I need more time.” 

They had been through too much together for Podrick to be affected by her mood. He ignored her tone and continued anyway. “You know Bronn will be pushing for the brothel repairs and if you don’t go in prepared he might convince the others…”

“I know, I know,” Brienne interrupted. “But I already got the ships I wanted so maybe it’s his turn anyway…” 

“Are you feeling alright?” he asked, looking genuinely concerned. 

“Don’t tell me you wouldn’t be pleased if the brothels were repopulated,” Brienne countered. 

“I’m a Knight of the Kingsguard now…” he started. Brienne leered at him. Podrick leaned in, “They don’t really expect us to… never… right?” he whispered. “I mean, times have changed… haven’t they?” 

Brienne couldn’t help smirking. “Maybe you can suggest we bring that up at the next Small Council meeting and see what King Bran has to say about it.” 

He looked mortified at first, then slowly something came to him and he smiled. “I bid you goodnight my Lady,” he said, bowing formally. “I’m going to find Ser Bronn…” 

Brienne shook her head as he trotted off. Running into Podrick had been a nice distraction for a moment, but the second he was gone she was right back into her own head again thinking about what had just happened earlier. Jaime is alive and I’m the only one who knows, she thought. The urge to tell someone was strong, but the desire to protect him was even stronger. Whether he wanted her help or not he was going to get it because he needed someone. 

Brienne wondered though, how much damage she was going to do to herself in the process? She was still healing from both Jaime leaving her and his death. Now that he was alive she didn’t need to mourn him any longer at least…but there was the matter of having to look at him and wonder once again why he couldn’t have just stayed with her. She never expected she would get the chance to ask him about his feelings for her and now that she had that chance… did she even want to know? Would he actually tell her the truth? With Cersei dead and out of the picture, would he just make up some excuse and hope she would take him back? 

There were too many questions in her mind, too many feelings. It made her very uneasy with how happy she was to find him alive. Several times in the last hour she’d caught herself thinking about the time they had spent together at Winterfell - the good times. She longed to see his smile and hear his laughter. She ached to touch him, to kiss him and to feel him inside her again. Even forcing herself to relive those last horrible words they’d shared wasn’t enough to cure her of those thoughts - especially now that those things were truly possible again. 

“I have responsibilities,” she said out loud. “I’m Commander of the Kingsguard,” Brienne added, pushing her way into her room in the Tower of the Hand. She understood why Tyrion didn’t want the tower, given all the painful memories it held for him. Brienne really didn’t need such extravagance, but she’d taken it when it was offered as a sign of respect. 

She had already relieved the only guard that would cause an issue for Jaime to get to her room, so all she had to do was wait and hope he would come. A bath was prepared and she had managed to sneak some clothes that would fit him and a blade for him to shave and trim his hair. Brienne also had some fresh food and a skin of water for him to take. She figured it would last him a few days and then she could swap it out with another. 

Brienne paced while she waited. She had already taken off her armour, which left her feeling oddly exposed and vulnerable. There was something about wearing it, and even the heavy weight, that made her feel protected not just physically, but also emotionally. She knew it was ridiculous so she forced herself to leave it off. It was just Jaime. 

Just Jaime. She almost laughed at how ridiculous that sounded. There was nothing “just” about him. He was the only person in the world who had made her feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. No one had made her as happy as he did and no one had ever hurt her like he had. 

She thought about her final words to him and wondered if they mattered to him at all. Did she ever truly mean anything to Jaime? And even if she did would it matter enough to him that she know? Would it matter enough to make him come? 

Brienne eyed the door. It was late by that point. Everyone who wasn’t on duty would surely be asleep or at least in their rooms. She yawned and then sighed. He wasn’t going to show up, she decided. She walked slowly over to the door and bolted it sadly. Brienne considered going back down under the Keep to look for him, but she decided it was pointless because she wasn’t about to drag him back anyway. 

As she was about to remove her clothes for bed she heard a noise coming from the direction of the hearth. It sounded like someone was knocking. Curious she moved closer and peered inside. “What in Seven Hells,” she muttered. The knocking was coming from the other side of the wall. She reached down and felt around in the darkness and found a handle. “Gods…” she whispered, giving it a tug. A little door opened and the next thing she knew Jaime was climbing into her room. 

“Sorry I’m so late,” he apologized. “It’s not easy to climb all those rungs with one hand.” 

Brienne was mystified. “There’s a secret passage way into my room?” she mumbled in awe. 

“It was a bitch to find with all those tunnels down there, but I figured it was the safest way,” he replied with a little shrug. They stood there looking at each other for a moment. Brienne held her breath, trying to hide her excitement that he’d actually arrived, especially after she’d given up already. 

“You came,” she said finally, breaking the silence. 

Jaime shrugged again, looking a bit annoyed. “You didn’t leave me much choice,” he said quietly. He didn’t elaborate, but she knew exactly what he meant. She had played the right card and he couldn’t trump it. She had won and he was irritated with her. But it meant that he had truly felt something for her and it gave her a sense of relief. In her heart she always knew she meant something to Jaime back then and even now. Still, confirmation of that felt good. 

“I’m sorry,” Brienne replied. She genuinely was sorry she had resorted to such tactics to ensure he would come, but she wasn’t sorry that Jaime was there. “The bath will be getting cold soon, you should get in.” She stepped aside and waved an arm in the direction of the tub. “I found you some clean clothes to put on after.” 

Jaime didn’t say anything, he simply nodded and walked slowly in the direction of the bath. Brienne wasn’t sure what to do when he started to undress. It wasn’t like she hadn’t seen him naked countless times, but they weren’t together anymore and it didn’t seem right. She tried to busy herself by putting a small log on the fire she had built to burn his old clothing and hair - ensuring there was no trace of his visit left behind. Jaime was still undressing when she finished. As his pants dropped to the floor she noticed how much weight he’d lost. He’d told her he wasn’t going hungry, but he certainly wasn’t getting enough food either. 

Brienne watched him climb naked into the bath and sink down into the water. He had always seemed self conscious about his stump and kept the golden hand on most of the time they were together, so it was strange to see him without it. Brienne decided she like him better this way because it was more genuine and honest. That stupid clumsy contraption had been quite obnoxious, but she put up with it because she thought he liked it. 

Jaime immediately went to work soaping up his body and scrubbing fiercely. She wanted to talk to him, but she wasn’t sure what to say. She’d never had trouble talking to Jaime before… but everything was different now and she was struggling. 

When he was done washing his body Jaime attempted to wash his hair, but Brienne noticed quickly that he was having difficulty. In the past she sometimes found his struggles irritating, but this time she felt truly sad. She approached the tub and sank to her knees behind his head. “Let me help,” she whispered. Jaime let his hand sink down into the water wordlessly in response. 

Brienne put more soap in her hand and then slowly she started to work it into his hair. The first time the tips of her fingers sunk into the wet, knotted tendrils and touched his scalp she felt her heart thud in her chest. She hadn’t imagined she would ever touch him again, or tangle her fingers in his hair. Her heart was racing wildly as she gently massaged in the soap, working up a lather. She could actually see the tension release from Jaime’s shoulders and Brienne heard a tiny sigh escape him. 

Tears stung her eyes. There was something so very intimate about what they were doing. It seemed almost sexual, given their history, and Brienne felt a warmth building in her loins. She didn’t want to feel this way about him, she couldn’t… she just couldn’t stand the pain he’d put her through ever again. But there was nothing she could do to stop her body from reacting the way it was. She didn’t long for sex - it wasn’t like that, she longed for Jaime - she physically ached for him and only him. 

Without realizing what she was doing she moved her hands lower and started to scrub at the hair low on the back of his neck, also reaching around to the front to lather some soap into his beard. With her hands on his face, fingers sunk into the thick, coarse hair, Brienne froze for a moment. She desperately wished she was in front of his so she could see his eyes and gauge his reaction. 

Her fingers moved lower, down to his throat where she lightly grazed the tips over the lump, feeling it move as he breathed. You need to stop, a voice inside her head told her. But Brienne didn’t listen, she couldn’t listen. This was the only man she had ever loved - the only one she would ever love, and she was able to touch him once again. He hurt you. He’ll do it again. It will be even worse, the voice persisted. Still she didn’t stop. Her hands found his collarbones, hard and prominent and she feathered her touch over them, feeling Jaime shudder slightly. 

Danger. Danger. The voice wouldn’t stop screaming at her and Brienne couldn’t figure out how to make it stop, but she also couldn’t take her hands off Jaime like she knew she should. He’s not asking me to stop, she thought. He’s enjoying it. More reason for you to get away!! Run!! 

She wasn’t just washing his hair anymore. She’d crossed the line from intimacy into more erotic territory. Brienne leaned forward, not close enough to get soap on her cheek, but near enough to feel his aura and breathe in his scent, which was mostly sweet smelling soap at that point. Her heart was racing and she was struggling to breathe normally. The ache between her legs was intense and she squeezed her thighs to try to calm it. 

Brienne felt dizzy and closed her eyes. She needed to pull her hands away but just as she was about to she felt Jaime’s hand on top of hers. Brienne gasped and choked back a sob, yet she heard a sob anyway… It took a second to realize it wasn’t coming from her. 

Jaime’s shoulders were shaking and the sounds coming out of him were like nothing she had ever heard from him before. He was crying. Not just crying but bawling, his body shaking and trembling under her hands. It shocked her so much she forgot about her own tears and immediately moved around to the side of the tub. 

“It’s okay,” she heard herself say. She wrapped and arm around his head and drew him, wet and soapy against her chest. The water soaked through her shirt and some splashed over the side as he shifted to lean against her. “It’s okay, I’m here,” she cooed, soothing him, stroking his head and holding him tight. Jaime snaked a wet arm around her body and clung to her. 

Brienne had no idea how long they stayed that way, but eventually the sobbing calmed and she released her grip slightly. Very slowly Jaime raised his head and then his gaze to meet hers. What Brienne saw in his eyes, the pain, the torture, the pure self loathing… it was almost too much to take. But she knew he needed someone… no, he needed her, so she brushed the hair off his forehead and leaned down, pressing her lips to his cool, damp skin. When she pulled back she looked at him again, this time with confidence and assurance. “Everything is going to be fine,” she said. Brienne wished she actually believed the words she just spoke.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you guys. That's all <3

If there was any part of her that ever considered the idea that perhaps Jaime was faking to gain her sympathy it was gone in a flash. There was no one, not even the best mummer in Westeros, that could fake the kind of pain and anguish that she saw in him. He was a tortured soul - that was the only way she could think to describe it. 

Brienne wished she could go find Tyrion, not only for his wisdom and guidance, but also for someone to share the emotional toll with, but she knew she couldn’t do that. It would only make things worse for Jaime and that was the last thing she wanted to do. 

“Hey,” she said, very gently. “Let’s finish your bath, then get you out and dressed.” 

Jaime nodded as he pawed at his face with a wet hand, wiping away tears but certainly not drying his face at all. She noticed he was avoiding eye contact and realized he was probably feeling really embarrassed about breaking down in front of her. Brienne wished there was something she could do, or say, to magically make everything better, but she knew that it was going to take time and a lot of patience - thankfully she had both. 

She helped him finish washing his hair and then got him out, dried off and dressed. Brienne was surprised that he allowed her to help without so much as an ounce of protest. It seemed like he’d even lost the will to fight for any shred of dignity and as heartbreaking as it was, she was thankful in that moment. 

Brienne gave him the razor and Jaime shaved off the beard. Then she sat him down and did the best she could with his hair. It certainly wasn’t her area of expertise, but the trim she gave him seemed pretty decent. She swept up the hair and threw it into the fire along with the dirty, tattered clothes he’d been wearing when he arrived. 

The whole process took a while, but neither of them spoke the entire time. They simply worked together, almost as if they were one person. It reminded Brienne of the Battle of Winterfell when they had fought back to back and side by side. Even after all the time that had passed and the bad stuff between them, she realized their connection remained strong. 

It was getting late and Brienne couldn’t hold back the yawn. Jaime didn’t miss it. “I should go,” he said, still not able to meet her eye. “You have been very kind and I’ve been enough of a burden on you.” Jaime stood up. 

“Please don’t call yourself that,” she said, reaching for his arm. It hurt her badly to think of him that way and it hurt even more that he might actually believe she would feel that way about him. “You’re not a burden and you never will be.” Jaime stared at the floor, seemingly unable to find the right words to reply. “Look at me,” she snapped. Brienne didn’t mean to sound so angry, but it did the trick, he lifted his gaze and finally set it upon her face. “I don’t know exactly what’s going on in your head right now, but whatever it is - I want to help you.” 

Brienne wasn’t even sure if her words were registering. He seemed lost in thought. Then he finally spoke, “I tried to end it. I just want you to know that.”

Brienne felt her stomach turn. Was he saying what it sounded like he was saying? “End what?” she asked, terrified of his answer. 

His words were like a knife straight to her heart. “I’ve failed everyone who means anything to me… so I tried to take my own life… and I failed at that too.” 

Her mind was racing and it took her a minute to figure out what to say. “Thank the Gods you did fail,” Brienne replied. She reached for his hand. “Jaime, I need you to promise me - I need you to swear right here and right now - that if you ever think of killing yourself again you’ll come to me. Day or night. Anytime. Promise me that…” When he didn’t respond right away she added some edge to her voice, “Promise me.” 

Jaime nodded slowly and looked at the ground before he answered, “I promise.” She cleared her throat and he looked up. Brienne waited and he said it again, with eye contact. “I promise.” He chewed his lip a moment. “But I really wish you would just let me go back down there and forget about me. Haven’t I hurt you enough?” 

There was a hot feeling inside her that made her skin crawl, as she thought about the days and nights right after Jaime left her. He truly had hurt her enough and maybe the smart thing to do was exactly what he suggested. But there was no way she could live with herself knowing that he was completely broken and she abandoned him. 

Brienne was surprised by the words coming out of her own mouth, “You’re not going back down there tonight anyway. You’re staying here.” 

Jaime was already shaking his head before she finished. “No, I can’t. No one else can know I’m alive.” Brienne didn’t understand why, but she could only assume it was because he didn’t want anyone else to see him the way he was. 

“You will stay,” she insisted. Jaime started to protest and Brienne knew she had no choice. “If you try to leave I’ll call the guards and everyone will know the truth.” 

“You wouldn’t do that,” he shot back. He had some fire and passion in his eyes and it was actually comforting to know he was still capable of those emotions. 

Brienne set her jaw stubbornly. “You will go get into that bed and sleep here tonight or I will, your choice.” She honestly wasn’t sure why she was so desperate to keep him close but the thought of him back down in the darkness alone gave her great anxiety. She knew she couldn’t keep him by her side all the time obviously, but with the emotional breakdown he’d just had and him admitting he’d been suicidal… she just couldn’t let him be alone that night. 

Jaime sighed and then did exactly as she instructed. But when Brienne started to make herself a spot to sleep on the floor he protested again. “I won’t take your bed while you sleep on the floor.” He immediately stood up. “I’m used to sleeping on the floor anyway.” 

“Lay down,” she said, giving him a look. 

Jaime sunk down to sit on the edge of the bed. He looked completely wounded and her heart tightened in her chest. How was this the same man? How was he so fragile? “Please,” he whispered, glancing in her direction. “I just… I can’t… I can’t take anymore guilt…” His voice cracked on the last word and Brienne moved quickly to his side, worried he might cry again. He was so very childlike and delicate. 

When she was close enough he wrapped his arms around her legs and laid his head against her stomach, clinging to her once again like he had earlier. One minute he was trying to push her away and the next he was holding on for dear life. It was scary and confusing for her, but Brienne realized it could only be worse for him. She stroked his hair and let him hold her as long as he needed to. “Will you lay beside me?” he mumbled shyly. “Not like that… but I mean… just…” 

He was stammering, but she understood. Brienne lifted his head to look at her and she nodded slowly. “Lay down.” Jaime did as he was told and she got into bed on the other side. She moved closer and pressed herself up against his back, then slipped an arm over his body. They were both fully clothed and there was nothing sexual at all about the moment, in fact, surprisingly it was the furthest thing from her mind after all that had happened that night. Jaime needed the comfort of someone who cared about him and that’s all she was giving him. 

“I saw your face,” Jaime mumbled, already half asleep. 

“My face? When?” She asked.

“You saved me.” He didn’t answer her question at all, just made her even more curious. And before she could try to get anything more out of him Jaime was softly snoring. It was so late by that point even her intrigue couldn’t keep her awake for long. 

Brienne woke the next morning in the exact same position she’d fallen asleep in, to a loud banging on the door. “Ser Brienne,” a voice was calling. Jaime sat up, looking panicked. 

“It’s just Podrick,” she whispered. “I’ll get rid of him.” 

Brienne trotted over closer to the door. “What is it Pod?” she asked, trying to sound sleepy. 

“Small Council wants to meet this morning instead of this afternoon. They sent me to get you,” he replied. 

Brienne sighed. “Tell them I’ll be there as soon as I can,” she called out. 

“Yes my Lady. Is there anything else you need? Food or drink?” he offered. Podrick was likely wondering why they were still talking through the door when she would normally invite him in. 

“No thank you. I need to dress and I’ll be there,” she said, hoping that would be sufficient. Thankfully it was and he left. 

She looked over at Jaime. “Stay here until I return, please?” Brienne quickly set to work getting her armour on. “There’s food and water. No one will come in without me here, I promise.” He looked very uneasy but didn’t argue. “I won’t be long. An hour at the most.” She knew that most council meetings lasted about half an hour before they either figured everything out or bickered so much that Bran dismissed them all. “We need to talk.” Brienne couldn’t get his final words the night before out of her head and she hoped he was ready to discuss them further. 

 

When it was Brienne’s turn to report and make her recommendations she requested more time. Her request was met with a lot of grumbling as she expected it would be and just as she’d been counting on Bronn started pushing the brothel repairs. She gave him some pushback so it wouldn’t seem too suspicious and then she conceded. “Fine, start with a few brothels while I finish investigating then,” she snapped. She pretended to be annoyed, while hiding the satisfaction of how perfectly it was all working out. 

The council was dismissed shortly after that and Brienne was quite certain she was back to her door well within an hour as promised. She allowed herself a smile - things were going well so far, she could only hope that the trend would continue when her and Jaime spoke. 

Brienne opened the door and started to talk. “I’m back,” she announced. She was met with deafening silence. “Jaime?” Her heart sank immediately. She had honestly believed he would stay and wait for her to return. Moments ago she had been so hopeful and now… she wasn’t even sure if she would ever find him again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy! So work is kicking my ass, but I desperately wanted to get a new chapter out so I really hope you guys enjoy it. Thank you so much for reading!

“Jaime,” she called out for the umpteenth time, feeling her frustration boil to the surface yet again. Brienne has been going through the same cycle for the past two hours that she had been searching for him. First she would be calm, then slowly start to get upset and anxious until she reached her boiling point, then she would take a minute to breathe and calm herself - and then... the pattern repeated itself. 

“Jaime,” she hissed, peering around the next corner. “Oh,” Brienne jumped when she saw the figure walking towards her. It wasn’t Jaime though. Fuck, fuck, fuck, did he hear me? She wondered. The look on Podrick’s face told her that he did. 

“Brienne?” He said gently, eyeing her with the most sickening look of pity she had even seen. “What are you doing down here?” Pod continued to approach slowly, tentatively, and she knew he was deeply concerned for her sanity. 

Think, think, think. Brienne let out a dramatic sigh. “I didn’t want anyone to know the truth.” 

“The truth?” Podrick looked curious, but still clearly worried about her. 

“The truth about why I needed more time down here,” Brienne replied.

“Brienne…” he started. In all the time they had spent together he rarely addressed her so informally. It was always Lady Brienne, Ser Brienne and more recently he had started calling her Lady Commander. 

“There’s a cat,” she blurted out, trying not to look as proud of herself as she felt for thinking on her feet. “I found a cat, it looks like a little lion and I named him Jaime.” Brienne looked away for a moment, pretending to be embarrassed. 

“A cat…” Pod repeated, still looking at her like she had lost her mind, rightly so. 

She nodded, “I’ve been spending time with him, taming him… I want to bring him back to my room, but I… I need more time.” 

Podrick all of a sudden snorted and started laughing. “You… you… you gave into Bronn and let him start brothel repairs… for… for a cat?” 

Brienne glared at him. He was enjoying it far too much. Time to take it up a notch she decided. “It reminded me of him,” she snapped. Pod’s entire demeanour changed and this time it was her that had to fight off the laughter. One day he would know the truth and she would need to apologize. “I found it down here the very first time I came searching. He came right over and started rubbing up against my leg.” Brienne let her voice crack, amazing at her own acting skills. “Given this is where Ser Jaime likely perished… and because the cat looked like a little lion… I just… it felt like I found him…” Her voice trailed off. “Stupid, I know.”

Pod reached out and touched her shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice soft and genuine. Brienne’s guilt increased but she knew she had to do this to protect Jaime. “You still miss him… you still love him…”

This time when she looked at Podrick everything changed. The cat lie was over and they were into a real truth. “I… I… guess I do,” she admitted. It felt so much more real to reveal that to another person. 

Pod’s eyes darkened. “If he was here right now I would put a dagger in him for hurting you,” he sneered. Brienne knew how Podrick felt about Jaime leaving her. It was two fold though, not only was he mad because of his need to protect her, but Pod had grown rather attached to Jaime himself and he felt betrayed as well. 

“I have to believe he did what he did for honour, not love,” Brienne said softly. She wasn’t sure she believed that, but it was the only thing that gave her some comfort. Unfortunately that security blanket could be ripped away in the very near future if Jaime ever decided to talk to her… well, that was if she could even find him again. 

Podrick grumbled something about Lannisters but not loud enough that she could hear it. “I’m really sorry for everything that happened, and I’m sorry I was poking fun at you about the cat. Maybe I can help you find him?” He asked.

Brienne shook her head. “I think it’s best if I search alone, he might be scared away by the strange voice.” She really hated lying to Pod, but if she found Jaime it would be worth it. 

“Okay. Good luck,” he said. Podrick gave her one last look before he left and she saw that he was still concerned about her. It was sweet but also sad. She could only pray to the Gods that things would work out and he wouldn’t have to worry about her anymore. 

Brienne spent another hour searching before she finally gave up. She knew the Red Keep was very well guarded, particularly around the damaged areas to prevent anyone from getting in, which also meant Jaime wouldn’t be able to get out either. He couldn’t leave, but he could hide and he knew the way around better than she ever would. If he didn’t want to be found he very likely wouldn’t be found - and that thought was terrifying. 

On the way to her room Brienne reassigned her security shift to one of her most trusted Knights. She felt incredibly guilty for doing it. It wasn’t like her at all to shirk her responsibilities, but she just couldn’t focus on anything but Jaime. It’s safer for the King to have someone guarding him who is giving their full attention, she told herself. It didn’t ease the guilt, even if it was the truth. 

Brienne took a long, tired, deep breath and pushed her way into her room, shutting the door behind her as she let it out. “Oh, you’re back,” his voice said, stopping her dead in her tracks. Her heart started racing and so many emotions began to bombard her all at once. Sitting in a chair in the shadow of the curtains by her big window was Jaime fucking Lannister, looking so handsome it took her breath away. There were times she almost forgot was a truly beautiful man he really was. With a hint of sunlight in his golden hair, his freshly shaved face and the half decent haircut she’d given him… he truly was majestic. 

Relief was the first thing she truly felt. But it was quickly replaced by frustration and the words that came out of her mouth expressed that. “Seven Hells, I’ve been looking for you for hours,” she hissed. 

Jaime looked like she’d just physically slapped him across the face. “I… I’m sorry,” he stammered. “I just needed some space while you were gone to the meeting… I came back… I didn’t think I’d been even an hour…I… I’m sorry…” His voice cracked at the end and the pitiful sound made her heart hurt. “Please… Please don’t be mad at me,” he mumbled. “Please… I can’t take it…” 

Brienne immediately went to his side. She knew he was on the verge of tears and she couldn’t let that happen. “It’s okay, I swear… I’m not mad,” she said, dropping to her knees in front of him. She honestly couldn’t comprehend how delicate and fragile he’d become and she desperately needed to know how he got there so she could try to make sense of it. It hurt so badly to see him this way. It was all so confusing and insane and she just had to start getting to the bottom of it so she could figure out how to help him. 

Slowly Brienne started to reach for his face. He’s going to hurt you. He’s going to break you. He’s not worth it. Her hand stopped in mid air as the words coming from somewhere inside of her started to ruminate. He won’t. He won’t. He is worth it. She consciously countered with words of her own. He’s worth it, she said to herself one more time. He might not believe it, but I do. 

When her fingers made contact with his face she felt tingles make their way through her entire body. His cheeks were warm and she could feel just the slightest amount of stubble, already starting to grow back from the night before. Brienne touched his bottom lip with the pad of her thumb. Oh how she wanted to kiss him. Maybe she could kiss away all his pain and bring the real Jaime back to the surface again? When he looked at her she could tell he wanted it. Brienne held her breath, weighing the decision like she always did. It didn’t take her long to decide it wasn’t right, for neither of them, for so many reasons. “I’m not mad,” she whispered, locking eyes to make sure he knew she was telling the truth. 

Brienne let her hands linger on his face a little longer, for him and for herself. He needed the comfort of her touch and she simply needed to touch him and know the moment was real. She had found him alive, he had been in her room, he had been in her bed the night before, he had left… and he was back - it was all real - all of it. 

“Want to hear a funny story?” Brienne asked with a smile as she hesitantly let go. He didn’t speak, but he nodded and she saw his eyes brighten. “When I was down there looking for you Podrick found me and he heard me calling your name.” Jaime’s eyes widened with fear. “Don’t worry, I told him I had a pet cat that I had named Jaime and I was looking for him,” she said with a chuckle. 

“A cat?” he asked with a grin. “And he bought it?” 

Brienne nodded. “I was very convincing and I laid it on pretty thick.”

Jaime was smiling but slowly it started to fade. “You lied to Podrick to protect me?” 

“Of course I did,” she replied. 

He looked sickeningly sad and Brienne felt the anxiety creeping up the back of her neck yet again. “You don’t lie… you’re honourable to a fault… and you had to break that code… for me.” 

“You lied for me once,” Brienne replied with a shrug, trying really hard to play it off as nothing so he didn’t get anymore upset. “Let’s call it even.” 

Unfortunately her plan didn’t work. “I should go. I shouldn’t be here. You’re better off without me - everyone is.” Panic seized him and Jaime stood up, his eyes darting in all directions. He looked like a scared animal that didn’t know which way to run. He was going to run if she didn’t find a way to stop him, that was clear. 

Two minutes ago hadn’t been the right time, but how things can change in a heartbeat. Brienne rose to her feet, right in front of him, blocking him from moving. This is insane, came that voice of reason. Don’t do it. 

“Please don’t go,” she whispered. “I asked you once before not to leave me but you did. I’m asking you again - stay here, with me.” Brienne could barely breathe and she felt like the room was starting to spin. “I’m giving you another chance Jaime…” She inched her lips towards his. “Will you stay this time?” 

He looked absolutely tortured and Brienne felt awful for forcing the decision on him like she had. But she knew it was the only way to help him. He needed to believe he was worth something to someone. Not just anyone, but someone who knew him well and loved him no matter what. He needed to know that forgiveness was possible and it was okay to make a mistake. He needed to know that she would be there for him, always, and he also needed to know one more thing. “I still love you,” Brienne said. “I never stopped and I never will.” She could see his eyes growing wet. “Say you’ll stay. Say you’ll let me help. Please Jaime - I need you.” 

Brienne forced away every bad thought that tried to get into her mind. She refused to listen to the voice that was telling her she was weak. She wouldn’t listen to the voice that said she was an idiot for letting a man treat her the way he did and then give him another chance. She blocked out the voice that told her to never trust anyone again - especially not Jaime Lannister. This is the right thing to do, were the only words she listened to. 

“Okay,” he said. His voice was so soft she could barely make out what he’d said. “But…” 

Brienne shook her head and touched a finger to his lips. “No ‘buts.’ Not right now.” She knew they had a lot to talk about. It seemed like every minute they were together just brought more things they needed to discuss. It was all questions and no answers. It would all sort itself out in time, she decided. They just needed time. 

Her heart was beating wildly as she dropped her gaze to his lips. Nothing could stop her this time. Not her sanity, not the voice of reason - nothing. Brienne moved her finger away and replaced it with her lips. It was just a kiss, but it filled her with so many feelings. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined it would be possible to kiss him one more time, even before she found out he’d died. Yet they were there, alone in her room and Jaime’s lips were on hers, kissing her back as tenderly as she was kissing him. 

For a brief moment it was as if none of the bad stuff had happened. It was just them and the rest of the world had disappeared, like it had in that warm room they shared in Winterfell. Reality would set in again eventually, but until that happened Brienne chose to enjoy everything from the feel of his hand on her lower back, drawing her closer, to the easy rhythm of their tongues dancing together like they had so many times before. This was him - this was her Jaime, exactly as she remembered him. When they parted, Brienne smiled. No matter how rough the road would be in the future now she knew the real Jaime was still in there… all she had to do was figure out how to bring him back for good.


	5. Chapter 5

“Talk to me,” Brienne said, as they both sat down across a table. She couldn’t sit close to him because she knew it would be too hard to fight the urge to touch him or kiss him again. The tingle was still on her lips and the taste of him lingered in her mouth. 

“I can’t,” Jaime replied stubbornly. “It will just make things worse.” 

“Or it will make things better,” she countered. For every bit of pessimism he could muster she would react with just as much optimism of her own. And Jaime knew she was far more stubborn than him, he had teased her about it all the time. You won’t win, she thought, a smile flickering on her lips. He looked at her wearily and she knew he was already giving in. “Start with what you said last night about seeing my face and how I saved you.” 

Jaime looked down at his left hand where he was drumming his fingers on the table. It was the only sound in the silent room and she wanted to reach across the table and smack his hand so he would stop, but instead she took a calming breath and waited. 

Finally he looked up and the drumming stopped. “I shouldn’t… I really shouldn’t…” He looked tortured and it took all she had to keep her ass in the chair and not reach out to him. “Even right now, I’m fighting the urge to just run, far away, but… when you look at me… like that - I’m frozen in place.”

“You don’t need to run away from me ever again,” Brienne insisted. 

Jaime shook his head wildly. His voice shook when he spoke, “You don’t deserve this, you deserve so much better. You deserve a man who is every bit as good as you are. Not me… I’m…” Jaime shrugged. “Broken.”

Tears welled in her eyes but Brienne fought them off. She had no idea it would be this hard, but she was up for the challenge. “Then you need to let me help,” she said, her voice pleading. “Let me fix you.” 

“I know you want to, and I know you think you can… but I’m telling you, it’s not worth the effort. I’m not worth the effort.” The self loathing was evident in his face, his voice and even the way he slumped in his chair. Jaime never slumped, he sat tall and proud. 

“Stop!” Brienne snapped angrily. She had been treating him delicately and they weren’t getting anywhere. She flashed back to when he lost his hand and was wallowing in self pity. Brienne was positive that her harsh words had brought him back to reality and made him realize he still had a life worth living. Now, she would do it again. 

She stood up and towered over him. Brienne noticed he cowered to her and it threw her off briefly. Jaime had never done that before, he always stood toe to toe with her. She refocused and continued, “Here is what is going to happen. I will ask questions and you will answer them. You will not tell me you’re worthless. You will not so much as think that you don’t deserve great things because you do. You are Ser Jaime Lannister of Casterly Rock, son of the legendary Tywin Lannister. You’re a Knight. You saved innocent people. You saved me - and you would do it again if you needed to.” 

Anger flashed in Jaime’s eyes and it made her happy to see such a strong emotion. “I didn’t save innocent people,” he snapped. “I saved my father. My family. Just like I tried to do when I came back to King’s Landing. But this time I failed. It was never about the innocent… it was always about my family. My sister. Cersei.” 

His words cut like a knife, just like they had all those weeks ago when he left her. But this time she knew exactly why he was trying to hurt her and she wondered if maybe… maybe it had been the same the first time around. 

Brienne shook her head. “It wasn’t all about your family. You took an oath and you stood by that oath time and time again. You left Cersei and came to Winterfell to fight, knowing full well you were likely going to die. But you still came. You didn’t stay by her side and try to keep her safe - you left her - because honour compelled you.” 

“Do you really believe that’s the only reason I came north?” Jaime hissed, getting to his feet and taking a step around the table, closer to her. That’s more like it, Brienne thought. “You really think I would just leave my life in King’s Landing behind because of an oath or a vow?” What in Seven Hells is he talking about? She wondered. “I came to Winterfell because that’s where you were,” he said, his eyes flashing. “I came because I thought I could change. I thought all I needed was to be close to you and I could actually be the man you think you see in me.” 

Brienne felt like she had been punched in the gut. Her mind was spinning. She had no idea if it made it better or worse to know he’d come for her. But she also refused to believe she was the only reason he showed up. “I don’t believe you,” she said stubbornly. “You are so blinded by hate for yourself that you can’t see who you truly are.” That’s when it hit her, his final words when he left… _She is hateful. And so am I._ “Oh my… that’s what you meant all along…” she breathed. 

Everything was making so much sense now. It was like a thick fog had cleared and she could see the way. “You didn’t go back because you loved her more than me,” Brienne mumbled, feeling dazed and stunned. “You went back because you never believed that you deserved to be happy.” One look at his face told her she had hit the nail on the head. “You went back because you knew Cersei was horrible… and you thought that’s all you deserved.” This time she couldn’t hold back the tears. “Jaime… is that true? Am I right?” 

“It doesn’t matter now,” he muttered. 

“Yes,” she yelled. “Yes it does. It means everything.” Brienne realizes how loud she was yelling and lowered her voice. “Tell me the truth.” He didn’t speak and she felt herself getting angrier. “Tell me… Jaime… say something,” she hissed. “Jaime…”

“Okay,” he screamed in frustration. “Okay. You’re right. You’re right. Does it make you feel any better to know that? Does it help?” They were right in each other’s faces. “Does it feel good to know I failed, yet again, I tried to be the man you deserved and I failed. I failed you…” 

“And now you have another chance,” Brienne said gently. She lifted her hand and very slowly moved it closer and closer to his face until her palm was resting on his cheek. “Don’t give up,” she whispered. “Believe in me… trust me… put your faith in us.” 

Jaime’s eyes closed and he leaned into her hand, nuzzling it, ironically just like a cat. He kept his eyes closed as he spoke. “What if I fail again?” 

“Then we keep trying,” Brienne said, stroking his cheek with her thumb. She leaned forward and kissed him on the temple. “Can we sit back down and talk now?” 

Slowly Jaime nodded and opened his eyes. She took her hand away from his face and they both went back to their seats. “I need to know what you’re thinking so I can help you,” Brienne explained. 

“I’ll try,” he replied, nodding his head. Brienne felt like they had already made a huge breakthrough, but she wanted to keep going while they were moving forward. Before she could ask her first question Jaime jumped in with one of his own. “But first you need to tell me something… where are you supposed to be right now?” 

“What do you me?” Brienne pretended to be surprised. “I’m supposed to be here, with you.” 

“See, this is exactly what I was afraid of,” Jaime grumbled. “This isn’t you - you’re already changing because I’m here. You’re lying to me right now. You lied to Podrick too. And you’ll lie to countless other people just to protect me.” Brienne wasn’t sure what to say because it was all the truth. “Let’s try this again, where are you supposed to be?” 

She scowled at him for calling her bluff. “I found someone to take my shift for today. I was supposed to be with Bran.” 

Jaime turned the tables on her. “Well if we’re going to do this, that can’t happen again. You need to stick to your routine.” She nodded in agreement. “I hate that you may have to lie though.” 

“It’s fine,” she insisted. “You lied once and you saved my life.” She thought about the story he’d made up about Tarth and the sapphires to save her from being raped or killed. 

“I’ve lied more times than I can count. But it’s not you,” he sighed. 

Brienne reached across the table and touched his hand. “Stop, it’s fine.” Eventually he resigned and nodded. She realized it was her cue to start. “Tell me about seeing my face,” she said, going back to her original question. 

Jaime chewed his lip. “Remember how I said that when the building started falling it felt like my body just moved on its own?” She bobbed her head. “Well, I felt like I kind of blacked out, but I could see your face in my head. It was like… well, it was like I left Cersei to die alone and went… to you.” He rubbed at his cheek with his stump. “It was like you somehow moved me to safety, like just seeing your face saved my life.” 

“How did you feel about that?” Brienne asked, anxious about his reply. 

“I was angry at first. I blamed you for me failing yet another person I loved,” he admitted truthfully. Brienne felt her face twist in pain. “Cersei was my twin sister. Bottom line. People who don’t have twins have no idea what that connection is like. I know… I know things between her and I got messed up, lines were blurred and crossed… but even putting all that aside, even knowing what she was, the horrible things she had done… she was still my sister and I didn’t want her to die scared and alone.” 

Brienne bit her lip on the inside. She didn’t want to cry. It was hard to hear him talk so openly about Cersei, but everything he was saying was very raw and honest. And that’s what she had wanted from him. 

“Eventually I realized that it wasn’t your fault at all,” he continued. “You weren’t there. You didn’t pull me away. I did that all on my own. I failed Cersei and left her terrified and alone - and it was completely on me.” That tortured look was back in his eyes. “I failed you to go to her and then I failed her too. And on top of it all, I failed Tyrion as well. He helped me escape and he left a little boat so Cersei and I could get away. He wanted to save us both… and I fucked that up too.” He swiped at a tear that had spilled onto his cheek. “There were only three people in the world that meant anything to me and with one swipe I failed every single one of you.” Brienne took his hand and this time she didn’t let go. “Maybe if I hadn’t left you we could have been happy. Maybe Cersei would still be alive somehow…”

Brienne squeezed his hand. “No, she would have died, one way or another. You didn’t fail her. You tried your best. Cersei died knowing her brother loved her and that your came back to her. Isn’t that better than her dying thinking you abandoned her forever?” 

“How can you say that?” He asked, tears coming harder. “After everything she did… after everyone she hurt and after what I did to you… you’re sitting there defending us both. How? How can you be so… so… good.” 

Brienne felt her cheeks grow warm. She wasn’t comfortable with the praise and she tried to shrug it off. “Maybe it helps some knowing the truth now.” She quickly changed the subject a bit. “Tell me about the other time?” 

“It was when I tried to kill myself,” he said, looking instantly ashamed. “I thought about it for days and days but when I finally went to try all I could think about was you. Your face was everywhere I looked. I knew… I knew you’d been down there looking around. I watched you so many times.” Brienne should have realized he’d seen her down there but for some reason it came as a shock. “I was worried you would find me eventually and I wanted to disappear before that happened. I didn’t want to risk hurting you anymore…” He gave her a look. “But when the time came I felt like you were watching me and I couldn’t do it because I didn’t want you to have to see that.” This time it was Jaime who blushed. “I sound like a raving lunatic.” 

Brienne assured him that he didn’t and they talked some more. There were times he had to stop for a while and get control of his emotions. But he answered every question she had. 

After well over an hour she only had one final question left. Brienne understood that Jaime hated himself and believed he didn’t deserve anything good in his life. She knew even when he left her in Winterfell that he had still loved her. She knew he went back to Cersei as her brother, not as a lover. She knew even right then, that Jaime loved her as much as she loved him. And she also knew that he was absolutely terrified of hurting her and wanted to run away to keep her safe. 

She asked her last question, “I think I understand now why you left, but I’m still confused about why you left when you did?” 

Jaime licked his lips and looked at her sadly. “You have to know it wasn’t an easy decision, it was actually the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I could kill a million Mad Kings, I could watch Cersei die a hundred times, I could fight those dead things in countless battles and none of it would be as painful as it was to leave knowing I had ripped your heart out and made you cry.” 

It was so difficult for her to comprehend just how much he loved her, yet the strength it had taken for him to walk away thinking he was doing what was right for her. 

“I remember the night we first made love,” Jaime said, smiling with his eyes still wet from his tears. “You told me the North grows on you and I said I don’t want things growing on me…” She could still hear his drunk voice speaking those very words. “When I was laying there in bed afterwards, you were sleeping, I realized right then and there that you had my heart and I would never get it back. You had already grown on me and every second I spent with you, every kiss, every time I was inside you… I was just getting more and more attached.” 

Once again Brienne had to wipe away tears of her own. “When I heard that Cersei was still alive… it all hit me really hard. I stayed with you and I figured word would come that she was dead and I could finally be free of whatever sick and twisted hold she had on me. But it was the opposite. She was still alive and so was Tyrion. My family was in the middle of a battle, about to destroy one another and I was hundreds of miles away - happy and head over heels in love with you.” Jaime paused looking full of sadness again. “I couldn’t deal with the guilt of that. And I knew the longer I stayed with you the harder it would be to leave. I had to go. I tried to sneak away but you caught me… I’m so sorry Brienne. I’m sorry for every ounce of pain I caused you. I’m sorry for making you believe we could be happy. I’m sorry for letting you love me.” 

Brienne stood and walked to him. She sat in his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. “You can be sorry for a lot of things, but don’t ever be sorry for letting me love you. Loving you has made me feel things I never knew were possible.” She nuzzled her cheek to his. “We’re going to get through this.” 

Jaime was looking at her lips hungrily. She wasn’t even sure which one of them initiated this kiss, but it was absolutely incredible. Brienne let herself get lost in him, and just fall - she tumbled head over heels right back in love with him, maybe even more than she had been before. 

When Brienne shifted and straddled him she could tell he was aroused and it made her pussy throb. They had been through so much emotionally, yet she still couldn’t help but want and need him physically too. She went to reach for her shirt, but Jaime stopped her. “Aren’t you Commander of the Kingsguard?” He asked. 

“Yes….” Brienne knew what he was hinting at and she pouted. 

“I can’t let you break another vow,” he said, his jaw set. 

“When I made that vow I thought you were dead,” she protested. “This is an extenuating circumstance. I’m sure the King will understand and if he doesn’t… I’ll resign.” 

Jaime actually chuckled and the sound of his laugh was the most beautiful thing she had ever heard. “You’ve been spending too much time with Ser Bronn if you’re putting sex before your vows.” 

“I…” Her sentence was cut off by a knock on the door. “Oh for fuck sake,” she muttered. “Get out of sight and I’ll get rid of them,” she whispered, slipping sadly off his lap. 

Brienne trudged to the door, made sure Jaime was hiding and then opened it. “Gods, what have you done,” she moaned when she saw what was waiting on the other side.

“I think I found Jaime,” Podrick announced, as he proudly displayed a cat that was snuggled up against his chest purring happily.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are truly amazing! I honestly cherish each and every one of your comments and I wish I had time to respond to all of you. Please know how deeply touched I am to receive your kind words and how very much they mean to me. You inspire me to write and that's such an important part of my writing process. Thank you!!! And to all of you reading - I love you for sticking with me <3

Podrick held the cat out with its legs dangling down. “Well, what do you think? Is it him?” He looked so ridiculously happy with himself and she had to admit the gesture was touching. 

“Well for starters… that cat is a girl,” Brienne replied, crossing her arms and giving him a look. 

Pod turned the cat around to face him and took a peek. “Well fuck… you’re right.” He looked so sad. “I thought for sure I found the right one. He looks like a lion… she… looks like a lion.” He snuggled the cat to his chest again. “And she was so friendly too.” Pod stroked the cat’s head. “Well, I guess it’s back to the drawing board… unless you want to keep this one and call her Jaime?” 

Brienne shook her head quickly. She could only deal with one Jaime right then. “I think she likes you. But pick a different name, please.” 

“I’ll come up with something. And Ser Brienne… I will find Jaime for you, I swear. I won’t give up until…” Brienne couldn’t take it anymore. This damn kid was too sweet and thoughtful and she just couldn’t bear to lie to him anymore. 

“Oh get in here,” She grabbed his arm and yanked him inside the room, quickly shutting the door behind them. “There’s no cat Pod, I made that all up.” 

He was taken back. “No cat? No Jaime? What… what do you mean?” 

“No cat,” she confirmed. “But…” Brienne rung her hands and looked over where she could see Jaime hiding behind her curtains. He was out of sight and Pod wouldn’t see him, but Brienne knew exactly where he was. “But there is a Jaime…” she whispered. “Jaime’s still alive… and he’s here…” She walked over in his direction and called out. “Jaime, come out. It’s just Podrick.” 

Slowly he revealed himself. “Seven Hells,” she heard Pod curse behind her. 

Jaime looked angry. “It’s okay, we can trust him. Please… please don’t be mad,” she pleaded. Jaime softened a bit right away. “He was searching for the cat.. The cat named Jaime that I lied about to explain why I was down there yelling out your name…” He softened even more and nodded. His eyes told her he understood and everything was okay. “Thank you,” she whispered. 

 

“No, nooo, this isn’t possible… what is happening right now…” When Brienne turned around Podrick had dropped the cat and was pacing. “Jaime is dead… Jaime was dead… but that certainly looks like Jaime…” He stopped and put his face in his hands and rubbed for a moment. Then he looked up. “I said I was going to put a dagger in him… but… I can’t…” Podrick was visibly shaking. He started pawing at the dagger in his belt. “I can’t…” he muttered. 

That’s when Brienne realized that Podrick was crying. “Pod, hey… hey… stop,” she said moving to his side and covering his hand with hers, moving it away from the dagger. “It’s okay… you don’t have to… everything is fine… sort of…” she glanced over at Jaime and saw the wild look in his eyes. Fuck it all. Podrick was having a melt down and Jaime was ready to take off… and… meow… and there was a cat rubbing her legs. “Everyone needs to just relax,” she snapped in frustration. “Gods, I’m so sorry,” Brienne added quickly. “I just… there’s so much happening right now…” It was getting hard to breathe and she quickly realized she was the one freaking out. 

The next thing she knew she had both men at her side trying to calm her down. The ridiculousness of everything struck her when the cat meowed again and Brienne started to laugh. It was just a little giggle at first, but before long it became hysterical. She didn’t miss the way Podrick and Jaime were looking at each other, neither one of them sure of what to do. “I’m sorry,” she snorted. “But… you… and him… and the cat… it’s all.. It’s all so funny…” But it wasn’t funny. Not at all. So why am I laughing, she wondered. “It’s not funny…” Brienne froze and stopped laughing. “It’s not funny.” She looked at Pod and then at Jaime for confirmation. “Is it? It’s not.” Brienne was shaking her head. “I’m sorry…” she said again. 

It took her a few more minutes to finally get herself together and when she did Jaime and Pod were in some sort of staredown. “You’re really alive huh?” Podrick finally spoke. 

“Seems as though I am,” Jaime replied with a shrug. 

“Well you better not hurt…” 

“Pod,” Brienne cut him off. “Don’t…” She knew Podrick wanted to protect her, like a little guard dog, but it really wasn’t what Jaime needed to hear right then. It had been an extremely emotional day so far and she didn’t want to undo any progress they had made. She laid a hand on Jaime’s arm to remind him she was there and he was safe. “Here’s what is going to happen… you will tell absolutely no one about this. Do you understand Pod?” He nodded. “Say it,” she insisted. “Say you understand and swear you won’t tell anyone.” 

“I understand and I promise I won’t tell anyone,” he repeated, still looking at Jaime. 

“Good. Now, you need to go and…” she bent and picked up the cat. “And take her with you.” Brienne shoved the cat at him. “I promise I’ll explain everything soon, but for now you need to trust me… okay?” 

“I don’t.. I don’t.. Understand,” Podrick replied, stumbling backwards as she tried to guide him out the door. 

“Jaime isn’t well,” she said, giving him a look that was begging him to just let it go. “Please, I need some time. And if I happen to be sick the next few days I’ll need you to be the only one who checks on me and brings food, understand?” 

Podrick peeked around her and eyed Jaime. “Are you okay?” he whispered. “Swear to me that you’re okay?” 

Brienne nodded and smiled. “You’ll understand everything soon when we have time to talk, but right now I need to help him. He needs me… okay?” 

Pod hesitated and then finally he nodded. “I’ll be back in a few hours… to check on you and bring some food.” She couldn’t resist giving him a quick hug. It wasn’t like them at all, but it just seemed right. Podrick hugged her back and she knew she made the right choice. “I won’t let you down,” he whispered. 

“Thank you,” she said gratefully as they parted. With a little wave and one last look at Jaime Podrick left and the room was silent. 

“You said you wouldn’t tell anyone,” Jaime spoke from behind her. 

She turned, already feeling the guilt. As much as she told herself it was best for them both to have another person to help, someone they could trust, Brienne knew it was mostly for her. She just needed someone else to bear the weight of the situation with her. “I’m so sorry.” It wasn’t going to make things better to lie to Jaime. She’d already lied enough. “I just… I needed someone else to know. It was weighing me down and I… It had to be someone I trusted completely… I swear to you, we can trust Pod…” 

“You see? You see what I’m doing to you?” Jaime hung his head. This was exactly what she’d been worried about. She had to get him back on track somehow. “This is all too much. You don’t need the stress and the hurt…” 

Brienne took a deep breath. This is how it was going to be for a while. There would be good moments and there would be bad times where he just fell back into the darkness. But she would always be there to pull him back out - every, single, time. “Do you have any idea…” she started talking as she walked up to him. Brienne took his face in her hands and lifted it. “Do you have any idea,” she said again. “How happy I am that you’re alive and that you’re here with me?” Brienne smiled and pressed her forehead to his. “Nothing else matters. We’ll figure it all out.” 

Jaime sighed. “I’m… um… I’m glad I’m here too,” he admitted. “But you said you wouldn’t miss your regular duties for me, you promised.”

“I… I won’t unless it’s necessary,” she replied. 

“But you told Podrick you might be sick the next few days,” he countered. 

Brienne stroked his face gently. Their foreheads were still together and their lips an inch apart. “I said ‘if.’ I wanted him to be prepared just in case.” That seemed to satisfy Jaime and he didn’t persist any further. He had given her ground rules and it was clear he was going to stick to those. 

Or would he? There was one area that she had a feeling he might relent. Brienne slipped an arm around his waist and pulled their bodies closer together. Their lips easily found each other and the kiss started off very sweet and tender. Were they already breaking her rules as commander of the King’s Guard? She wasn’t really sure how specific the details were, just that the long standing tradition had been that they were to remain celebate and not take a spouse. Much like the Night’s Watch. Jaime hadn’t abided by those rules and she was quite certain he wasn’t the only one. She knew in her heart that the rumours about Loras and Renly were true and that was just one other example. 

Brienne opened her eyes for a moment and pulled back to look at him. Jaime didn’t show any sign that he was going to stop her, in fact, he was the one who pulled her back in and kissed her hungrily. She felt his tongue brush her lips and she parted them. Her body responded with a quiver low in her stomach and once again she started to feel light headed. 

She felt Jaime’s hand on her ass, squeezing her cheek through the cotton trousers. Brienne wanted his hand on her skin so she tugged at the string and quickly shook them to the ground. This time when he touched her she whimpered with pleasure. She wanted him with a sense of need and urgency. 

 

They started peeling off clothing until they were both completely naked, pausing to kiss and touch each other as each item was removed. The last thing to come off was Jaime’s pants. Brienne held her breath as she watched them drop to the floor, exposing him completely. His cock was full and hard - he was ready. She knew her pussy was wet and slippery, every bit as ready as he was. 

Jaime reached between her legs and Brienne gasped, grabbing his shoulder to keep her weak legs from failing her. He grazed her blonde curls, rubbing lightly at first, then he penetrated her with a finger. “Fuck,” he moaned, his voice low and husky. 

She wiggled, begging for more and he pushed a bit deeper. “Mmm,” she groaned, gripping him tighter. Brienne leaned back a bit but pressed her hips closer to him. His dick grazed her and she started to breath faster. She needed him, right then, she couldn’t wait any longer. She pushed his hand away and led him to the bed. Brienne got in and laid down, opening her legs for him. 

Jaime was standing at the side of the bed, looking down at her. She could tell he wanted her, his eyes were wild with lust and she could see his chest moving as his heart pounded. Then something happened and he took a step back. “We can’t,” he said sadly. 

Fuck it all, Brienne thought. How could he be that turned on and all of a sudden his conscience jump in the way? “We can,” she insisted. “Please.” 

He shook his head. “You’ve already sacrificed so much for me.” 

“This is not a sacrifice. I love you, I want you… please Jaime,” she pleaded. Brienne would never beg him for sex, but this was different. She wasn’t begging him to make love to her, he wanted her, she knew that, she was begging him to forget about her breaking vows… and that was clearly not going to happen. 

“I want to, badly… so badly,” he sighed. “But we can’t.” 

“I will put my clothes on and go resign right now if that’s what you need me to do,” she said. 

Jaime smiled at her. “You have earned this job, you deserve it - you don’t want to quit and I could never live with it if you did.” He flopped down beside her on the bed and rested his arm over her thigh. Just having him touch her made Brienne want to jump on top of him and try to seduce him. But she held back because she knew he was right. If they made love the guilt would eat away at him and it would undo all the progress they had made. If she resigned it would be the same thing. Brienne made a mental not to talk to Podrick and see if he’d spoken to Bronn about creating some new redesigned rules for the King’s Guard. 

They laid there quietly, side by side. Brienne closed her eyes and tried not to think of all the things she wanted him to do to her body. But it was no use. All she could imagine was how good it would feel to have his cock buried inside her, his hot mouth sucking at her nipples and feel her body move with his thrusts. 

She opened her eyes and looked over at Jaime. Brienne had to bite back a loud moan at what she saw. Jaime had his hand wrapped around his shaft and was very slowly stroking it, up to the tip and back down to the base. In all the times they’d been together she’d never see him touch himself… not like that, not so sensually. She had no idea something could turn her on so much. She bit her lip, so hard she was surprised she didn’t taste blood in her mouth, as she watched Jaime some more. 

His eyes flickered open and when he realized she’d been watching him his cheeks flushed and he immediately stopped. She watched his cock bob up and down after he released it. The disappointment hit her like a punch to the gut. He couldn’t stop. She needed to see more. Brienne shifted onto her side, propped up on an elbow and met his eye. “Don’t stop,” she whispered. “Will you let me watch?” 

His eyes were filled with shock and surprise at her request and his cheeks turned even more red. He was quiet for a moment and she waited for his response, praying to the Gods that he would oblige.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a smut warning for the start of the chapter as I'm sure you were expecting :) Love, hugs and cookies for everyone - y'all are amazing!!!

Jaime seemed very surprised by her request, which wasn’t a shock because she was taken back herself by the words that had come out of her mouth. But the longer it took him to reply the more embarrassed she felt, to the point she turned away from him, rolling the other way. 

“No, Brienne…” she heard him say. “I didn’t mean.. I was just surprised… please look at me… please?” Slowly she turned over and he repositioned his arm on her thigh. “Yes, my answer is yes,” he said, giving her what she could only describe as a shy smile. “I think it’s… I mean… It turns me on that you want to watch… but…” he bit his lip. It was so sexy she had to hold back a groan. “I’ve never… no one has ever seen me… you know, do this…” 

“If you’re too uncomfortable it’s okay,” Brienne started. She didn’t want to make him feel awkward. 

“No,” he interjected. “I want you to see… I mean, if you really want to,” Jaime added quickly. They were both acting like a couple of inexperienced kids and Brienne hated feeling like that with him. Jaime had always made her feel comfortable with anything sexual that happened between them. 

Brienne nodded and gave him an encouraging smile. “I really do,” she said. 

She held her breath with anticipation and fixed her eyes on where he was still grasping his cock with his left hand. Very slowly he started to stroke himself and Brienne couldn’t believe the way her body was reacting by just watching. It wasn’t anything like it could have been if he would have just gave in and fucked her, but it felt better than she could have imagined. 

She felt the pressure of him arm on her thigh increase as he lifted his hips slightly off the bed, thrusting into his hand a few times instead of simply stroking himself. Brienne felt her lower belly tense with desire and she knew she had just got even wetter between her legs than she already was. 

There was something very erotic about watching someone do their most private act, but it was also an incredible feeling to know Jaime trusted her enough to share this with her. At first she had only been vaguely aware of where his stump was resting because she had been way too distracted by what she was seeing, but when she shifted a bit more onto her side she realized that he was only about an inch from grazing the blonde curls between her legs. 

Her mind was racing trying to decide what the Kingsguard’s definition of ‘sex’ was? Brienne understood why they had policy of celibacy - defending the king needed to be their focus and their first priority. Sins of the flesh were extremely distracting and even addicting for some But wasn’t it worse to love someone the way she loved Jaime than to simply have sex? Wasn’t it more distracting to have an emotional connection than a physical one? So weren’t they already engaged in something far worse? She decided not to bring that up as a way to convince Jaime that they could be intimate. It would only make things worse because it wasn’t something they could control. 

If abstaining was what he needed she would do it until she figured out something. Besides, it could be exciting to see how far he was willing to push the boundaries… Brienne wiggled a little lower and rubbed her pussy against his stump. His eyes shot to hers and she gave him her best look of innocence. Then she rubbed against him again and Jaime groaned. The slight increase in pressure between her legs, in her already extremely aroused state, was almost unbearable. 

She couldn’t resist grinding on him and Jaime held his arm steady so she could do what she wanted. Brienne returned her gaze to the show, while enjoying the feel of rubbing her clit against him. The fire in her belly intensified and her chest moved up and down, faster and faster, just like his hand pumped faster on his cock. She bit her lip, worried she might cry out loudly when she came, but somehow she managed to keep it to a gasp and a whimper, followed by a full body shudder as the euphoria filled her body. 

“Oh gods,” she moaned as she saw milky white liquid shoot from the tip of Jaime’s cock. His body jolted and he groaned, closing his eyes as more came out, oozing down his shaft onto his hand. Brienne could barely breathe and she felt lightheaded from the excitement and her own orgasm. It was the first time she had seen the results of a man ejaculating and it was an insanely erotic mess. The look on Jaime’s face when he came was burned in her mind. She’d seen that look before, but for some reason it seemed a little different given how it was achieved. 

Jaime released a satisfied sigh and Brienne quickly got out of bed to grab a cloth for him to clean up with. “Thank you for sharing that with me,” she said softly, watching him wipe away the liquid. He gave her a little nod, then closed his eyes and sighed again. This time it was a sigh of frustration. “What’s wrong?” she asked curiously. 

“It took everything I had to keep myself from reaching for you,” he admitted. “I don’t know how I can continue to be here, with you, near you… to see you naked, smell your desire…” He had that tortured look again. 

“Let me talk to Bran…” she started. But as soon as the words were out of her mouth she realized how ridiculous that was. 

 

“Even if you were able to approach it with him… how would you explain why it even mattered to you without telling him about me?” Jaime asked, stating what she’d already clued into. 

“Jaime…” she sat up and faced him. “What was your plan? What if I had never found you? And now that I have found you… what’s next? You can’t hide forever.”

“I just… I wanted to feel close to you,” he whispered. “I liked seeing you down there when you were exploring. I liked knowing you weren’t that far away from where I was.” He scratched his non-existent beard. “I have no idea what I was going to do when they started repairs… probably try to end things again…” It made her stomach turn to hear him speak that way but she appreciated how open he was with her. “As for now…” he shrugged. “I honestly have no idea. All I know is that I love you, but I’m not the man you deserve.” 

Brienne wanted to yell at him and growl in frustration. But that really wasn’t going to do either one of them any good. “One day at a time then,” she announced, keeping her voice as light and positive as she could muster. He looked very thankful and that made her happy. 

So they did just that - one day at a time. Within a week she could already see a vast improvement in Jaime. Those moments of weakness and pity and self loathing still came, but they came less often and didn’t seem to last quite as long. Brienne had even convinced him to spar with her and took some tournament swords down below the red keep for them to use. Jaime seemed to come alive with a sword in his hand and it really turned his mood around afterwards too. 

Sparring became their therapy sessions. Brienne loved getting the chance to hone her skills. Being commander of the Kingsguard had so many political responsibilities attached to it that she felt like she never got to train anymore. She relished the moments that her and Jaime could sneak away to their secret place and essentially make love with their swords. They danced around each other, eyes locked, blocking and slashing, both wearing huge smiles. 

Jaime was improving to the point he was actually impressing her with his left handed abilities. She was quite certain she never would have been able to reach the level he had with her non dominant hand. They both knew he would never be the swordsman he was before, but Brienne was pretty sure by that point Jaime could beat even an above average Swordsman, perhaps even a great swordsman. 

Brienne found that these sessions seemed to help her sexual frustration as well. The still did things… they kissed, they touched each other, there was even a very erotic night where they had both got themselves off while the other watched. Between the sparring and the masturbation they survived a fortnight without truly breaking any oaths. 

One afternoon when she was alone with Prodrick she tried to casually broach the subject. “Hey Pod… did you, uh, mention that celibacy thing to Bronn by any chance?” 

He immediately crossed his arms and smirked at her. “Wasn’t a big deal before… but now…” he teased. 

“Fuck off,” Brienne hissed, blushing slightly. 

“Bronn promised to bring it up at the next small council meeting,” he added. “Maybe you can back him up?” 

Brienne nodded. She would have to think of a good strategy, but if she backed Bronn there might just be a good chance they could get the change made given Tyrion would likely side with Bronn as well. She just had to be sure it didn’t end up looking suspicious since they all suspected it wasn’t anything she would ever be concerned about. Brienne decided maybe the best course of action was to pretend just that - that it honestly didn’t matter to her one way or the other, but if it would improve moral in her Kingsguard she approved. 

The next meeting was in 3 days. 3 long and excruciating days. In the meantime, there was something else she really wanted to do. When Dany had taken Jaime prisoner she had taken Widow’s Wail from him. Once she was gone and Bran was declared King, Tyrion his hand and her the Commander of the Kingsguard, Tyrion had offered her the sword. She had politely declined because she was too hurt and raw over Jaime’s death and the way things ended between them. She figured having his sword would just be a constant reminder of what could have been. Tyrion said he understood and she knew he had the sword mounted on the wall in his chambers. 

 

Brienne desperately wanted to surprise Jaime by getting the sword back for him. She knew hiding out in her room he wouldn’t be using it anytime soon, but she knew the sword was special to him and he would love having it back. 

After her shift that day she went by Tyrion’s room. “Lord Hand,” she began formally. 

He sighed. “It’s just Tyrion.” 

Brienne put on a smile. “Tyrion… a while ago, after your brother… after Jaime… passed…” She felt a lump grow in her throat speaking of Jaime’s death - even though she knew he was still alive. “Sorry,” she said, taking a moment to compose herself. She hadn’t planned on that happening, but it certainly was helping sell her story. “After Jaime was gone you offered me his sword.” Tyrion nodded. “At the time it was too much for me. I worried it would just remind me of him every time I looked at it and I would be sad. But I think I’m ready now… if you would still be willing to give it to me… I am able to think of Jaime more fondly these days,” she admitted. “And I’m certain that seeing his weapon would bring me to those happier times, not the bad times like I worried about before.” She looked down at Tyrion, “I know it’s a lot to ask, so I would understand it you would prefer to keep it now.” 

Tyrion shook his head. “Not at all. The offer still stands and I would be happy to give it to you now.” He looked over at the wall where it hung. “I’m afraid you’ll have to get it down yourself though,” he said with a chuckle. 

“Are you absolutely sure?” Brienne asked. Trying to reign in her excitement, but mostly failing. “This truly means so much to me.” 

“You should have it,” Tyrion said with a nod of his head. “My brother was never happier than he was with you in Winterfell.” 

“Thank you,” she replied genuinely. She dropped to knee and they embraced. Over the past few weeks she had got really close to Tyrion, though she’d been more distant since Jaime had returned. Tyrion was very smart and she worried he might sense something if they had any sort of deep conversation. 

“Join me for a cup of wine sometime soon,” he requested. She promised she would and then took the sword and bid her goodbyes. 

Brienne was very pleased with herself and she couldn’t wait to get back to her chamber and present it to Jaime. Lying was starting to come easy for her and she was proud of how easily the words had just slid from her mouth. She was sure that Tyrion hadn’t seemed the least bit suspicious. But Brienne hadn’t seen the look he aimed at her back as she left his room with Widow’s Wail…


	8. Chapter 8

“Commander, might I have a word?” a voice called out from behind her. Brienne was just crossing through the courtyard on her way back to her room, excited about presenting Jaime with Widow’s Wail. She had strapped in on her waist just in case, so as not to attract any attention. Her first thought was that she’d been caught and Bran was going to ask about the sword and why she wanted it back. 

She took a deep breath to compose herself and then turned around. “Your Grace,” she said with a bow. “It would be my pleasure.” 

“Ser Liam, might you give us a moment?” Bran said to the Knight who was with him. 

“Yes Your Grace. Commander,” he bowed to them both and then moved out of earshot so they could talk privately. 

“Is something wrong Your Grace?” Brienne asked, trying to keep the nervousness she was feeling out of her voice. 

“I’ve overheard some, well, let’s call it rumbling, and it got me thinking about things,” he began. “Westeros is changing, wouldn’t you agree? Perhaps now, more than ever.” 

Brienne nodded, “Indeed Your Grace.” 

“I was thinking that perhaps the old ways and the old customs aren’t always suited to this new world.” Brienne could at least breathe easy knowing this very likely wasn’t about the sword. But her nerves didn’t ease because she honestly had no idea where he was going with this. “Do you know why the Knights of the Kingsguard have always taken no wives or fathered no children? Excuse me for speaking of only men, but as you know that’s the way it was in the past.” 

Brienne swallowed hard and the knot in her stomach tightened. “I, uh… well, that’s just the way it’s always been. I assumed it was because they were devoting their life to protecting the King, or Queen, and their family, and having a family of their own may have been seen as a distraction.” 

Bran nodded. “That’s what I thought too. When it came time to protect the King they didn’t want Knights to have anything on their mind but their honour and duty.” Brienne felt her guilty conscience start to creep in, making her anxiety triple. “But I honestly don’t think anyone knows the real reason,” he continued. “We all make our assumptions, but who knows why some King long ago saw fit to make sure his Kingsguard was celibate.” Brienne wasn’t sure what to say. She was confused. Did Bran support the idea of celibacy amongst the Kingsguard? Or not? “There have been many good men out their, men with wives and children, who still laid down their lives for their King or their Lord. I know my father’s men back in Winterfell would have protected him first and foremost, without a second thought.”

“Northern men are very loyal indeed,” Brienne commented. 

“What about the Knights you lead? Are they loyal and honourable men?” Bran asked. 

“Yes of course, Your Grace. I trust each and everyone of them with my own life and with yours,” she replied passionately. “If I had any concerns at all I would surely replace them in a heartbeat.” Brienne had chosen only men who she trusted completely. 

“I agree. I think the Knights in my Kingsguard are some of the finest men in all of the realm, led by the strongest, bravest and most loyal woman I have ever had the pleasure to know,” he said. She blushed at the compliment. “Wouldn’t it be a shame if these loyal Knights never had the opportunity to pass on their skills and knowledge to their young heirs?” 

Wait, was he saying what she thought he was saying? “I… I’m not sure I understand?” Brienne mumbled. She felt the need to pretend this wasn’t something she’d already been thinking about, but her shock and surprise was indeed genuine. 

“I’m suggesting that we allow Knights of the Kingsguard to…” Bran’s voice trailed off while he chose his words carefully. “We allow them to live as all men, and women, live. They know their duty is to serve and protect the realm, but I don’t see harm in them exploring a life outside that duty when they aren’t working.” Brienne was pretty sure her jaw was hanging open, but she couldn’t seem to close her mouth. “I would like us to make this decision together though, so I’m looking for your opinion on the matter?” 

“I’m sorry, this just came as quite the surprise Your Grace…” Brienne was struggling to say the right thing. “But I certainly agree with all the points you made, and I’m sure many of the Knights will be quite receptive to this change. Others may prefer to stick to the old ways, but that would be their choice.” 

“Good,” Bran nodded. “We have a small council meeting in 3 days, but if you want to call a meeting with the members of the Kingsguard before then and inform them I will let the rest of the small council know.” He smiled at her, “I suspect the word will spread quickly though.” 

“I suspect you’re right,” Brienne replied, smiling back at him. “I’ll gather them tomorrow and deliver the news.” 

They chatted a little longer about some other security measures and finally said their goodbyes. Brienne could hardly contain her excitement on the long walk back to her room. She had Widow’s Wail to give Jaime, along with some other news she knew he would find very… satisfying. 

When she entered the room she couldn’t decide which piece of news she wanted to get off her chest first. Jaime made it easy when he noticed the sword right away. “You have two swords,” he commented, giving her a strange look. As she got closer and he could see the hilt he gasped. “That’s my sword… isn’t it?” 

Brienne was already taking it off to pass it over to him. “Yes, it’s Widow’s Wail,” she said. “I thought you might like to have it back.” 

Jaime was beaming as he took it from her. She knew how a warrior grows to love their weapon, how special it becomes to them, like an extension of their body. She couldn’t imagine ever losing Oathkeeper. It felt so good to see him look that happy, truly happy. It didn’t last long though. “Wait a minute, where did you get this?” he asked. 

“Tyrion,” she replied. “But don’t worry,” she quickly added. “I obviously didn’t tell him anything.” The look of panic was back in his eyes and Brienne felt like a moron. She should have known he was going to freak out and prepared for it. “Jaime, it’s fine. Tyrion offered it to me before, right after you died and I said no,” she explained. “I just went to him and told him I changed my mind and I was ready now that some time has passed.” 

“Tyrion is smart,” Jaime hissed. “He’s brilliant.” Brienne felt her heart start to pound. Had she completely fucked up everything? “He will know something is up. Gods… I’m going to have to leave again. He will figure it out…” 

Just when she thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse - they did. Bang. Bang. Bang. “Lady Brienne? Are you there?” Jaime’s eyes grew wide and the panicked look intensified. She looked towards the door and then looked back at Jaime, terrified he was going to bolt for that secret escape hatch. Bang. Bang. Bang. “Lady Brienne? I know you’re in there. Can we please talk?” 

“He knows, he knows, he knows,” Jaime started to mumble over and over again. 

“Shhh,” she breathed, moving closer to him, reaching for him, hoping to somehow calm him. 

“Lord Hand, can I help you with something?” Brienne perked up when she heard the second voice in the hallway. “I’m pretty sure I just saw Ser Brienne in the West courtyard.” 

“He knows, he knows, he knows,” Jaime’s voice was getting louder. Brienne wanted to put a hand over his mouth, but she was afraid they would get in a scuffle if she tried. “He knows…” 

“Seven Hells!” BANG, BANG, BANG. “Jaime? Is that you? Jaime?” Tyrion yelled. 

“Jaime who?” Pod interrupted. “What are you talking about?” Brienne had to admit he was doing a good job trying to help them. 

“Jaime. Lannister. My brother. Jaime? Let me in,” Tyrion yelled, hitting the door several times in a row. 

Brienne was still frozen in place, looking from the door to Jaime, listening to all the voices with no idea what to do. “Are you insane?” Prodrick asked, faking a laugh. “Jaime is dead. You know that.. Come with me Lord Tyrion. Please. Let’s go see the Maester and get you something to make you feel better.” 

“He knows, he knows…” Jaime was completely losing it. He was slowly sinking to the ground, oblivious to everything but his own utter panic. 

“I know what my brother’s voice sounds like,” Tyrion snapped. “Jaime… Jaime….” Bang. Bang. Bang. “Let me in.” 

Finally Brienne couldn’t take it anymore. She ran to the door and yanked it open. “Get in here, both of you.” She pulled them both into the room and shut the door behind them. 

Tyrion’s eyes filled with tears when he saw Jaime. “I knew it. It’s him. He’s alive… how?” He looked over at Brienne but her eyes were on Jaime. He was on the floor, knees to his chest, rocking. “How did this happen? Brienne? Brienne?” 

“Shut up, just stop fucking talking and shut up,” she screamed. It was all too much and she couldn’t handle another second if it. She was huffing, trying to catch her breath and the room was silent. Even Jaime had stopped mumbling and rocking and all three men were looking at her. 

She spoke to Jaime first. “I am so sorry,” Brienne said, her eyes welling with tears. “I never meant for this to happen. I didn’t mean for him to find out, but Jaime - he’s your brother. Look at him,” she gestured at Tyrion. “He loves you so much. He won’t care about anything you did. He won’t, I promise you that. He is so happy you’re alive, just like I was when I found you.” 

“It’s true,” Tyrion said softly, taking a couple tentative steps towards Jaime. 

“Don’t,” Brienne said, stopping Tyrion. “I… I don’t know how he’s going to react.” 

Tyrion turned to her. “I’ve seen him like this once before… I will spare you the details… but please, I need you to trust me. I know I can help.” 

She slowly walked over to Jaime. “It’s okay,” he whispered, when she dropped to her knees beside him. “I know you didn’t mean for him to find out.” His eyes had returned to normal and she could see the real Jaime in them again. 

Brienne took his face in her hands. “Will you be okay if I leave you alone with your brother? Do you promise you’ll be here when I get back?” 

Jaime nodded, “I’ll be fine. And I swear I won’t go anywhere.” 

Brienne kissed his forehead and got to her feet. She had to put her faith in Tyrion and trust that he could help. “I’ll be back in an hour,” she told him, reaching down to touch the little man’s shoulder. “We’ll talk more then.” Tyrion nodded and they shared a look of understanding. Brienne knew he would have questions and he would probably be very angry that she had kept the truth from him. But the most important thing to both of them at that point was Jaime. He needed them. Brienne left the room, with Pod by her side, feeling even more hopeful than she had yet that she would get the real Jaime back - her Jaime, soon.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long!!! I'm so busy with my daughter's baseball I don't have time for anything!! AHHH. But I'm leaving for Con of Thrones tomorrow and I really wanted to get this updated before I go - I do hope you enjoy this new direction the fic is going :)

Brienne returned to the sound of laughter in her room. It was sweet and beautiful, and also a very good sign. She ignored the little twinge of jealousy at how it was seemingly so easy for Tyrion to work his magic with Jaime. She reminded herself that they were brothers and Tyrion had known Jaime since the day he was born. She also gave herself a little ego boost by also reminding herself that she was the one Jaime allowed to find him and for a while she was the only one who knew he was alive. 

While she was gone Brienne had told Podrick the news from her meeting with Bran. She swore him to secrecy until she could speak with all of her knights at once, but she tasked him with letting everyone know about the meeting she would hold the next day. Knowing Pod like she did, Brienne suspected there would be a very excited group of men waiting for the official announcement the next day. 

When she entered the room they both stopped talking and looked at her. “I take it things are going well?” 

“Quite well indeed,” Tyrion confirmed. “We were actually just talking about you.” 

“Me?” Brienne swallowed nervously. 

“Well, you and Ser Podrick. Don’t worry, it’s nothing bad,” Tyrion added. “Jaime was just telling me about the cat.” He snorted with laughter as he finished. Brienne smiled. She found the whole thing more sweet than amusing, but she could understand how others would find it funny. “Pod got himself a pussy,” he joked. 

“Won’t be long until he can have the real thing,” Brienne muttered. She hadn’t meant to let that slip, but they would both find out soon enough. 

Tyrion narrowed his eyes. Brienne could tell that he wasn’t used to someone knowing something he didn’t. He was the Hand of the King after all. “I get the feeling I’ve missed a new development?” 

“I spoke with King Bran earlier and it seems there are some changes coming to the traditional ways of the Kingsguard,” she explained. “He suggested they be allowed to marry and have heirs. I will be informing the Knights tomorrow.” She risked a quick glance at Jaime, but didn’t allow her eyes to linger long, especially when she saw just how excited he was about this development. 

“Well batten down the whore houses,” Tyrion said, with a jolly laugh. He turned and studied Jaime for a moment. “I think perhaps that’s my cue to leave.” 

“Perhaps,” Jaime said with a nod and a half smile. 

“Lady Brienne,” Tyrion addressed her formally, with suggestive emphasis on ‘lady.’ “We’ll catch up later. Enjoy the rest of your day.” He smirked one last time and whistled a tune as he marched out of the room, leaving her and Jaime alone. 

“Are you really okay?” she asked, moving closer so she could softly caress his face. 

“Actually, I am,” Jaime admitted. That little pang of envy returned, but she pushed it away again. The only thing that mattered was Jaime’s well being, not who was able to pull him out of the darkness. “Tyrion reminded me of a few things,” he added. “Like just how happy I am when I’m with you. He thinks perhaps you bring out the best in me… I think perhaps he’s right.” 

Brienne felt happiness spread through her body when she saw his smile. It looked so genuine and, there was something a little different… it was almost, carefree, like everything stressing him out was lifted off of him. She noticed he’d strapped on Widow’s Wail and she reached down and touched the hilt of the sword. “I’m so glad it’s back where it belongs.” 

“And I’m glad I’m back where I belong… with you,” Jaime said, reaching for the back of her neck to pull her lips to his. Her knees almost gave out when he kissed her. Just like his smile, the kiss was different too. It was more passionate and unbridled, likely a combination of his improved mood and the news Brienne had just shared. This time they didn’t have to stop themselves from whatever would come next. 

Brienne pouted when he pulled back. “Thank you for bringing me my sword,” he said. “I’m sorry for the way I reacted earlier.” She shook her head, letting him know it was fine. “Also, Tyrion thinks Bran probably already knows I’m alive and here. He thinks I should make it official soon and resume my duties in the Kingsguard… if the King… and you, will have me.” 

She was shocked by how much Jaime had come around and wondered what exactly Tyrion could have said to bring about such a sudden change, but she didn’t let her surprise keep her from answering him quickly. “Of course I’ll have you and I know Bran will support my decision. He trusts me and my instinct.” 

“He’s a smart man,” Jaime whispered. His eyes were on her lips and Brienne took a shaky breath. She was surprised by just how nervous she was to be with him again, even though it’s what she desperately wanted. She pushed aside her anxiety and leaned in to kiss him. His hand moved to her neck, with his thumb on her cheek, stroking gently as they kissed. 

Suddenly there was a knock on the door and Brienne wanted to scream in frustration. “Fuck the Gods,” she hissed. 

“Don’t answer it,” Jaime whispered. 

She wanted to listen to him. She wanted to ignore the incessant banging and just forget about everything but the two of them. Brienne tried, but the banging wouldn’t stop. “Commander?” a voice called out. She recognized it as one of her Knights. “Commander, it’s important.” 

“I’ll be right there,” she called out, giving Jaime an apologetic look. He nodded in understanding and found a place to hide out of sight. 

Brienne opened the door and saw the young Knight was breathless and red faced as if he’d just run the entire way. “Emergency meeting of the small council,” he panted. “They need you right now.” 

“I’ll be right there,” she told him as she shut the door quickly. Was this about what her and Bran had talked about earlier? Had someone found out that wasn’t on board with the idea? “I’ve gotta go,” she told Jaime. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.” 

Brienne hurried to the Small Council Chambers and was the last one there. The second she was seated Bran began speaking. “Drogon has been at it again,” he said gravely. She felt her stomach grow queasy. There had been issues with Dany’s dragon burning homes and even a small village, since her death. “Jon refused our request the first time, and now we are being told he’s gone somewhere further North with Tormund Giantsbane and the freefolk.” Bran had sent a raven to the Night’s Watch asking for Jon’s assistance. They thought he might be able to reason with the beast and get it under control. But Jon had flat out turned them down. He was still grieving Dany and it was just too much for him to deal with at the time. “Drogon burned half a city this time, Lemonwood, near Sunspear in Dorne, hundreds of people are dead and many more are injured or homeless.” 

“Gods,” Brienne whispered. Everyone on the council looked sick. They knew it was their job to keep everyone safe and they needed to find a solution to the dragon problem before more citizens died. 

“We could trap it and kill it,” Bronn suggested. 

Bran sighed, “Drogon is the last living dragon… I want to try everything we can to spare his life before we resort to that.” He looked around the table at each of them but finished with Brienne and held her gaze. “I want to send someone to find Jon and speak with him personally. Someone who can hopefully convince him to return south and help us with this situation.” Did he mean her? Brienne wondered. “Ser Brienne, you’re the commander of my Kingsguard and I trust you with my life, I would like you to take the rest of the day to think and return here tomorrow to tell us who you’ll be sending to seek out Jon.” 

After the meeting Brienne walked slowly back to her chambers. There were so many options, many brave Knights who would be honoured to go, but it had to be someone that Jon knew and could reason with him. She was still wondering if Bran was actually hinting at her going, or if she should just take his words at face value. 

“Wh...what happened?” Jaime asked, the second he saw her face. “You look like someone just died?” 

“Lots of people died actually,” Brienne said sadly. She filled him in on everything that had happened with Drogon previously and then the new information. She also explained how they wanted Jon to come and see if he could help. “So Bran wants me to choose who to send to find Jon and reason with him, but I have no idea who to choose. Maybe I should go,” Brienne added. 

Jaime shook his head. “No, you can’t go. They need you here. There’s a lot of change coming to your Kingsguard and if Drogon keeps it up there’s going to be a lot of people looking for answers, angry people…” he gave her a look and she understood. This would be the first time since the start of his reign that things could get dangerous for their new King. 

“Ser Liam? Ser Braeden? Ser Henrek?” Brienne wondered out loud, listing the names of some of her bravest Knights. 

Jaime walked over and took her hand. “Ser Jaime,” he said. 

 

Her eyes shot up. “No, no way. You’re not going,” Brienne said stubbornly. 

He smiled at her. “You know it’s the right choice. You have to let me do this,” he said passionately. “Everything that’s happened to this point, right up to today and talking with Tyrion right before this news arrived - it’s all led up to this moment. What if this is what I’m supposed to do?” Jaime asked. 

“It’s not,” she said firmly. “It’s not,” she added more weakly, taking in his face and body language. He wasn’t going to let this go. The seed had already been planted and he was making plans in his mind, she could tell. “Jaime, please… I just got you back - I can ‘t lose you again.” Brienne knew it was a completely selfish thing to say, but she couldn’t help it. 

He stroked her cheek. “You won’t lose me,” he said. “I’ve made the trip up North many, many times, much more dangerous times in fact. I’m not fighting a war, there are no battlefields, it’s just a trip up North and back. Nothing to worry about.” 

The decision was hers, but he’d already made it for her. “What makes you think Jon will listen to you?” It was the last line of defense she had. Maybe she could convince him it would be a pointless trip. 

“If he won’t, I’ll do what I have to do to get him back here so the rest of you can talk some sense into him,” Jaime replied with a cocky grin. “You know I’ll do anything that’s necessary for the greater good. Bran knows that too and I think that’s why he specifically gave the decision to you.” 

That was it. Everything he’d said made perfect sense and she couldn’t argue with him. It was absolutely the right decision, even if she didn’t like it “Okay,” she said quietly. “You can go. But I have two conditions,” Brienne added. “And there is no bargaining with these - you either accept them both or you don’t go.” Her voice was very firm and Jaime nodded. “First you will take Podrick with you.” He chuckled a bit but nodded again. “He’s turned into a fine swordsman and… he’s actually a pretty good road companion too.” 

“And the second condition?” Jaime asked. 

Brienne took a deep breath. “The second condition… is that you make love to me, right now, and you sleep beside me all night long.” 

Jaime slipped an arm around her waist and pulled her against him. “You drive a hard bargain Lady Brienne,” he teased. “But I accept.”


	10. Chapter 10

Brienne was cursing the fact that she had so much clothing to remove as they kissed. She just wanted to be naked and fall into bed with him, tangled up in each other. She made an attempt to start kicking off her boots, but she finally had to pull away, exasperated to actually accomplish anything. 

“Brienne, wait,” Jaime said, stopping her. What could he possibly want to talk about right now? She wondered. She knew he wanted her just as desperately as she wanted him, so what was the hold up? “Before we do this, there’s something I need to ask you.” 

Brienne gasped as he dropped to one knee and took her hand. “I love you, so much,” Jaime said softly, looking up into her eyes. “Ser Brienne of Tarth, would you do me the honour of becoming my wife? The next time we make love, I want it to be with my new bride.” 

“No,” she said quickly. “I mean, I… mean, yes, but I’m not waiting for us to get married before we… you know.” Brienne was flushed and flustered. “You made a deal, if I let you go north to find Jon you would make love to me tonight, now, before you go.” 

“Oh believe me, my lady, that’s still happening tonight,” Jaime said with a smile. 

“But? How?” She was confused. 

“You did say yes, right?” Jaime asked to confirm. 

Brienne sighed, but gave him a little grin, “of course I did.” 

“Good,” he said, springing happily to his feet. “We can do this the right way, one day, if you want to… but for now - it’s you, me and the Gods.” She still wasn’t sure what he meant. They needed a septon or the king or someone official to marry them. “We say the words, here and now,” he explained. “We pledge our love and commitment to each other. We’re the only ones that truly matter, right?” Brienne nodded slowly. “In every part of the seven kingdoms this is done differently. Who’s to say we can’t do this however we want?” 

“The king? The high sparrow? My father?” Brienne offered some suggestions. Not because she didn’t want to do what Jaime was planning, but simply because the literal part of her needed to answer the question. 

“Do they matter to you? I mean, I know you respect and care about them all, but do you need them to validate what we feel for each other?” Jaime asked. 

“Absolutely not,” Brienne replied, without hesitation. She was finally starting to understand what Jaime was suggesting. There was part of him that still wanted to be chivalrous and honorable with respect to their relationship. When they were together back in Winterfell it was a different life, a different time in the world. Perhaps part of him knew he would always go back to King’s Landing and expected he would die there, which had almost happened. Now that they had a more certain future, even though he was leaving on a long, potentially dangerous mission, he wanted to do things right. Maybe not perfect, but closer to something he felt was right. “Let’s do this,” she said, giving him a confident smile. 

Jaime reached for her hand and took it. He looked into her eyes. “Ready?” he asked. Brienne nodded. They both knew the words that needed to be spoken. How many weddings had she been to? As a child her father was invited to every highborn marriage on Tarth and he happily attended them all. So many times she watched the happy couple recite the same words to each other that her and Jaime would speak. Many times she also watched not so happy couples wed. Arranged marriages were not always joyous occasions. Brienne knew she was lucky to be with the man she wanted to be with and not forced to wed someone for political alliances or old promises that had nothing to do her. 

She licked her lips and they began to speak at the same time, perfectly in sync as if they had rehearsed it many, many times - Brienne took that as a sign that they were definitely doing the right thing. “Father, Smith, Warrior, Mother, Maiden, Crone, Stranger..." They recited the names of the seven in order. As she spoke her next lines, "I am his and he is mine,” Jaime said his part, "I am hers and she is mine,” and then they finished off together, “From this day, until the end of my days."

She knew her eyes were wet, but so were Jaime’s. It had taken less than a moment, but it was a moment of her life she would always cherish. Jaime let go of her and lifted his hand to her face. He dragged his thumb gently across her bottom lip and then kissed her, not in a sexual way, but in a dominant and possessive way - as if he really was claiming her as his. Brienne let him have his moment, then kissed him back in the same way. 

When they finally parted Brienne had to take a moment to catch her breath. She spoke once she finally did, “Does this mean I have to change my name to Lannister?” 

Jaime looked at her curiously. “Do you want to change you name?” he asked. Brienne thought for a moment. She never knew she would have the option. When people got married the woman took the man’s name, that’s just how it worked. Now here he was actually asking her what she wanted. “Hey,” he said softly. “How about you wait until I’m back. Take some time to think and you can decide then.” He reached around behind her and grabbed her ass, “We have some other things we can do in the meantime.” 

Brienne noticed, as he started to undress her, how well Jaime was managing without the awkward and clunky golden hand. Without it, he was actually able to use his right arm and his stump in functional ways. It would never be the same as having two hands, but it was quite shocking how far he’d come. In the past she had always undressed herself and even helped him when he was struggling, now he was expertly removing her clothing without her giving him any assistance at all. 

She closed her eyes and focused on the feel of her body being slowly exposed to the cool air in the room. She enjoyed the light touches and the way his skin brushed hers. When her shirt fell away Jaime kissed her neck and Brienne gasped, then moaned with pleasure. It had been so long - way too long. 

She went her entire life without knowing what it was like to be with a man until the night Jaime came to her room in Winterfell. It wasn’t until then that she truly realized how much she wanted him. It wasn’t just that she wanted to know what it was like to have sex - she wanted to know what it was like to have sex with Jaime Lannister because she was in love with him. When she thought he was dead she was perfectly satisfied to join the Kingsguard and return to a life of celibacy. Now that he was back though… she couldn’t imagine never being with him again. 

Brienne bit her lip, her body buzzing with anticipation, as she felt Jaime start to untie her trousers. Somewhere along the way she actually had got out of the boots so she was easily able to kick the pants away when they dropped to the floor. “Keep your eyes closed,” Jaime whispered in her ear. She could feel him move around behind her, circling her body with a bare arm. She didn’t even remember him removing his own shirt and she had to resist the urge to open her eyes and look at his body. She could remember what every inch of him looked like, every line and curve, the spots on his chest and belly where the hair was thicker, the shape of his muscles and collarbones, the swell of his ass and of course the way his cock stood up, tall and hard, ready and waiting to move inside her. 

Jaime touched her belly and slowly moved his hand lower, down over her hip to the side of her leg and back up. Brienne shivered and her heart started to beat harder in her chest. He kissed her neck and shoulders while he continued to trace that same path, avoiding her breasts and the area between her legs that was aching to be touched. “Please?” she mumbled as she leaned back against his chest. 

“Please what?” His voice was husky, but sounded slightly amused in her ear. 

“Touch me,” she replied, moaning with desire when she felt his cock brush her ass. Once again she wondered when he’d taken off his pants, but it didn’t matter. What mattered was that they were both naked and she wanted him so badly. 

“I am touching you,” he teased, still avoiding the areas she wanted him to touch. 

“You know where I mean,” she growled in frustration. 

“Tell me,” he requested. 

“You know,” Brienne whined. 

“I want you to say it,” Jaime insisted. 

“Between my legs,” she said, spreading them just a bit. Jaime touched the inside of her thigh, but it was too low. He was still teasing her. “Not there,” she snapped in frustration. 

“Then where?” he pressured her. “Tell me exactly where you want me to touch you?” 

This was no time to be bashful. Brienne realized Jaime would do whatever she wanted him to, all she had to do was ask. She turned around slowly, gathering every bit of courage she had and looked him in the eye. “I changed my mind,” she said, her voice calm and even. “I don’t want you to touch me… I want you to lick my pussy.” 

A smile slowly spread across his face and he puffed up with an air of cockiness. “I thought you’d never ask.” Relief filled her but it was short lived because the moment he pushed her onto the bed and dove his face between her legs the only thing she felt was complete ecstasy. Whatever he was doing down there with his tongue was fucking magical. Brienne was so turned on she was gripping the bed in a matter of minutes, ready to explode.

“Gods,” she hissed. She knew she was so close. It would have only taken a couple more licks, but suddenly Jaime popped up his head, grabbed her legs and plunged his dick right into her pussy. “Fuck,” Brienne moaned. As soon as he filled her up she was done, consumed completely by the strong orgasm that was ripping through her body. 

As she slowly returned to her senses she heard Jaime groan. She opened her eyes and saw the desire on his face as her pussy throbbed with his cock pushed fully inside her. He wasn’t moving at all, just enjoying the feel of her body contracting.

It wasn’t until they had faded away completely that he finally started to fuck her. He took it slow, with long patient strokes, pulling out and pushing in to fill her completely. Brienne never wanted it to end. She wanted to stay there, joined with him, feeling that turned on, forever. She wanted to see that look on his face for the rest of her life and know being with her was the reason he looked so blissful. 

Sometime before Jaime finally came she had a second orgasm. It wasn’t quite as strong as the first one, but it seemed to last longer as if her body was waiting for him so they could finish together. With a final push he grunted and held his cock deep inside her as he came. Afterward they laid silently in each other’s arms, enjoying the comfort of their bare skin touching. 

Brienne didn’t want to sleep, but she knew they both had a long day ahead of them. She had to bring her decision to the council and she also had to address her Kingsguard with the new rules. It was also going to be emotional, having to say goodbye to Jaime and Podrick as well. 

They kissed for a while and finally she rolled over to try to sleep. If they had of continued much longer she would have wanted to fuck him again. Somehow she managed to fall asleep, but during the night she stirred and the next thing she knew they were making love again. It was slow and sleepy, but still incredible. The next morning they fucked one last time. It was the most wild and frantic they had ever been with each other and Brienne couldn’t believe that sex with the same person could be so multifaceted. It only made it harder to let him go, even though she knew it had to be done. 

They dressed slowly and went over the plan of how the morning would go. When it was finally time she left alone. Jaime would follow later with a hooded cape to disguise himself until it was time to reveal himself to the council. 

Being away from Jaime for only a few minutes she was already missing him. It was silly and ridiculous, but she couldn’t help how she felt. By sometime that afternoon she would still be in King’s Landing and Jaime would be starting his journey up north. Brienne had to talk herself out of changing her plan so it was her and Jaime going looking for Jon. She knew the decision to send him and Pod while she stayed to protect Bran was the right one, but thinking of Jaime leaving was so painful. 

She arrived at the door to the small council chambers and paused to take a deep breath. “Here goes,” she whispered. Then Brienne pushed the door open and strode purposefully to her spot at the table, the last member to arrive for the first time ever.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And let the road trip begin!! I'm actually thinking of doing the next chapter from Pod's POV... any objections to that? Thank you guys for reading and for being patient with my slower updates :)

“Commander, could you please inform the council who you have selected to send north?” Brienne pushed her chair back and stood slowly. Her legs actually felt shaky with nerves. 

“Yes, Your Grace,” She replied formally to the King. “I have selected… Ser Podrick Payne…” Immediately the council members started to react to her choice, all positive from what she could tell. When the rumbling died down, she continued, “And… Ser Jaime Lannister.” 

That quieted them right to dead silence. She risked a glance at Tyrion, who was the only other council member that knew the truth. He gave her a quick, encouraging smile. She could tell he agreed with her choice and was on board. 

When she looked back at Bran it was clear that he also wasn’t the least bit fazed by her words. He’d truly known all along that Jaime was alive. Just how much did he actually know? It was too mind boggling to try to sort things out in her mind. She had tried once before and ended up down a wormhole of questions with no answers. 

“Have you lost your fucking mind?” Bronn asked, breaking the silence. 

Davos was more tactful, “Lady Brienne, Ser Jaime is gone.” His words were soft and tender, filled with concern for her well being. Sam just sat there looking stunned, while he listened to everyone else talk. 

“Ser Jaime is a great choice Commander,” Tyrion interjected. 

“What the fuck is going on?” Bronn spat. “Jaime’s dead, flattened by a ton of bricks, along with that cunt sister of his. No offence,” he added glancing over at Tyrion. He gave him a nod. 

Bran looked over at her and spoke calmly, “Let’s listen to what Ser Brienne has to say. Please continue.” 

She nodded and walked to the door. She opened it and peeked out. She saw Jaime lurking off to the left and waved him in. He pulled the hood back, still out of sight of the council. “You sure you’re ready?” Brienne asked. He smiled at her and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. 

Just having him there with her Brienne felt calmer already. “Ser Jaime is alive,” she said, leading him into the room to the sound of shocked gasps. “He was living down below the Red Keep until I found him a short time ago. I’ve kept him hidden in the Tower of the Hand until he felt ready to… well… ready for people to know the truth.” 

There was a lot of uncertainty at the table, she could feel it and see it on their faces. They had questions, so many questions, but they all knew it wasn’t the right time. Well, except for Bronn. “How the fuck did you survive a thousand bricks falling on your big, ugly head?” 

Jaime smirked at his former friend, “Lucky I guess.” Brienne was pretty sure that Jaime and Bronn would mend fences eventually. They had history and Bronn got everything he wanted in the end anyway, everything Jaime and Tyrion had promised him and more. Things would work out, she was sure of it. She wasn’t Bronn’s biggest fan, but Jaime needed friends who would treat him like everything was normal and Bronn would definitely be one of those people. 

The rest of the council watched and waited quietly, still in some shock by the looks of it. “Why now?” Bran asked finally. “What made you decide to let us know you’re still alive?” 

Brienne glanced over at Jaime. He looked calm and collected. “I’ve not been myself for a long time,” he said, addressing the council confidently. “But between my Brother and Lady Brienne and all their help and patience, I’m feeling better. This opportunity is something I need to do, but I also believe that you need me too.” She saw Davos raise his eyebrows. “There are lots of really good men you could send. Brave, strong Knights. But do you really believe any of them would be able to convince Jon to return when he’s not even coming back at the request of the King, his very own Brother? Or cousin is it?” 

“Jon will always be my brother,” Bran confirmed. 

Jaime nodded and continued. “I think you all know that I have no problem doing whatever it takes…” 

There was a bit of grumbling but it died down quickly. “I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say that I support your choice Commander,” Bran said to her. She wasn’t sure everyone was on board, but that ended any further discussion on the matter. “Ser Jaime and Ser Podrick will go North while we deal with the problems that Drogon is causing in the meantime.” 

With that the meeting was adjourned. Before everyone could pounce to talk to Jaime she spoke with him quietly. “Will you be okay if I leave you for a bit? I need to go find Podrick and we can meet back at my chambers to gather your things.” Jaime assured her he was fine and he actually seemed like he was being honest. Satisfied, she excused herself from the others to go find Pod and fill him in. She still had to speak with the rest of the Kingsguard, but she wanted to see Jaime and Pod off first or she would just be distracted. 

“Ser Davos,” she said, before she left. “Would you be kind enough to take Ser Jaime to the stables and pick out a strong, healthy mount for him and Ser Podrick?” Davos nodded in response. 

It didn’t take her long to find Podrick and he seemed to be in an awfully good mood when she did. “So today is the day,” he said as she approached. Brienne wondered at first how he’d found out already that he was heading north with Jaime. Then she clued in and realized she was about to break his heart. Maybe not exactly his heart… “When are you making the announcement?” 

“Uh, later on…” she muttered. “Podrick I have other news.” She quickly told him about Drogon and the rampage he was on and how they really wanted help from Jon. “So his Grace asked me to choose who to send north…” Brienne gave him a look. “You need to pack your things, you leave at high noon.” 

“What?” Pod’s eyes were huge. “You’re sending me up north to find Jon and convince him to come to King’s Landing? What makes you think he would ever listen to me?” 

Brienne shook her head. “I’m sending you to keep Jaime safe while he convinces Jon to come to King’s Landing.” 

“Excuse me?” Pod looked dumbfounded. “You’re sending me to make sure your future husband doesn’t get himself killed?” he snapped. 

It wasn’t very often that Podrick raised his voice to her. But Brienne wasn’t sure if she was more affected by his tone or by what he had just said. “Future husband,” she repeated. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Podrick muttered, looking very regretful. “I shouldn’t have said that and I shouldn’t have spoke to you that way.” 

Brienne started to smile, “No it’s okay. But there’s something you should know.” She bit her lip for a moment. She loved that it was clear to Podrick that her and Jaime wanted to be with each other for the rest of their lives. “He’s not my future husband.” 

“I shouldn’t have said that, I was out…” 

“He’s already my husband,” Brienne interrupted. The look of surprise on his face almost made her laugh out loud. “It wasn’t an official ceremony or anything,” she explained. “But we said the words and committed to each other.” 

“I’m really happy for you,” Pod said. He was back to his very sweet and genuine self. 

“Thank you,” she replied. 

“Do we really need to leave today though? Wouldn’t you want more time with your husband first?” he suggested eagerly. “What about tomorrow? Or the day after?” 

 

“It needs to be today,” Brienne said firmly. His face dropped and she sighed. “Listen, I’m going to inform the Kingsguard of the new rules as soon as I see you two off. But… if you can be discrete… very discrete,” she warned. “And you’re still here by noon with your thing packed to go… you can go find yourself a woman.” Her cheeks flushed as she finished. “Be quick,” she added. The grin on his face made her cheeks burn. “Oh Gods, just go,” she hissed, dismissing him and the awkwardness of the moment. “And don’t be late,” she called after him. 

Jaime was already waiting when she got back to her chambers. “Podrick is meeting us at noon,” she informed him. 

“How did he take it?” he asked. 

Brienne shrugged, “Not bad actually. A lot better when I sent him to a brothel before he leaves..” she added sheepishly. 

“You didn’t?” Jaime chuckled. 

 

“I’m afraid so. Hopefully it will hold him over until he’s back,” she sighed. 

He shrugged,” I’m sure there will be a northern girl or two along the way.” 

Brienne eyed him. “For Pod you mean?” 

Jaime walked over to her and leaned in to kiss her neck. “I never much cared for northern girls,” he breathed. “I’m more interested in the Southern Lady I found in the north.” She sighed again, but it was a different kind of sigh. “I’m only interested in one woman - my wife.” Brienne felt tingles head to toe when he said that. 

His hands started to roam her body but the damn armour was in the way yet again and they really didn’t have time to take it off and put it all back on again. She wanted him though, one last time before he was gone for who knows how long. 

It was difficult and awkward at first, but somehow they managed. Jaime ended up bending her over a table and taking her from behind. It was wild and frantic, more something she would have imagined would have happened when he returned, not only a few hours since the last time they’d been intimate. 

When it was over and they were ready to leave to meet Podrick the sadness hit her hard. She tried everything she could to keep from breaking down. She didn’t want to cry. This is the right thing to do, she told herself. He needs this. He will come through and bring Jon to King’s Landing. Brienne truly did have faith in Jaime and she also knew Podrick would help keep him safe. 

Thankfully Pod was waiting so she didn’t have to be mad at him before he left on a long trip. She saw Pod and Jaime share some sort of manly smile and macho exchange. “Oh piss off, both of you,” she grumbled. Podrick was like her little brother and she didn’t want to think about what he’d done in that brothel. 

“The white one is yours,” Jaime said to Podrick, referring to one of the horses that was tied to a tree waiting for them. Podrick started loading up his gear and Brienne helped Jaime do the same. 

Once they were all finished it was time to say goodbye. She walked over to Podrick first. “Bring him back to me,” she said quietly to him. “Promise you’ll bring him back. 

“I promise my Lady,” he said, bowing formally. 

“Oh come here,” she said, opening her arms for a quick hug. When Pod stepped back she patted him on the shoulder and gave him a proud smile. 

She moved to Jaime next. “Don’t you dare fucking die,” she whispered, trying to hold back the tears. 

“Turns out I’m not that easy to kill,” he joked. Jaime put a finger under her chin and lifted her eyes. “I’ll be back and I’ll have Jon with me. I get things done,” he said, with that disgusting cocky charm that had pulled her in all those years ago. 

Jaime leaned in to kiss her and she pulled away. He looked confused. “I can’t,” she said cocking her head towards Podrick. Jaime rolled his eyes and moved in again. She dodged his lips a second time. “Oh for fuck sake, Pod - turn around,” she called out. Jaime glanced over his shoulder and smirked as Podrick turned around dutifully. 

When Jaime leaned in again she met him halfway and they kissed tenderly. Brienne didn’t want it to end, but eventually they had to part. He leaned his forehead against hers. “I love you,” he whispered. 

“Love you too,” she replied, touching his face gently with her fingertips. Jaime backed away slowly, smiling at her until he had to turn to mount his horse. Podrick mounted too and the next thing she knew her men were leaving her. Brienne ignored the aching in her heart at the reminder of the last time Jaime had mounted a horse and rode away from her. 

This time though, he looked back and waved. That was when she knew for sure he would return.


End file.
